The Lightning Thief Parody Reboot
by DarkPaladin000
Summary: A parody of the Lightning Thief, the book that started it all. For all the fans of the original The Lightning Thief Parody, I'm doing a rewrite, bringing it back longer, crazier, and better than ever! (But it isn't necessary to have read the original to understand this one though.)
1. Prologue

**A/N: So, I was reading the old** _ **The Lightning Thief Parody**_ **and it occurred to me that the story was kind of jagged and short, and there were points I didn't even hit upon. So, I'm bringing it back, hopefully better than last time.**

 **So anyway, as a disclaimer, I don't own Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Also, I'd just like to say this is a parody and I don't mean to insult/offend anyone. And, the character's views and my own are not necessarily the same.**

Poseidon controlled his sleigh/chariot and tried not to run over another pedestrian like he usually did as he made his way to Olympus.

While it was true that he was the God of the Sea, it was also true that with time they started adopting new personalities with time. And that's how he had also assimilated the role of Santa Claus over time. And hey, it wasn't bad being adored by millions of children around the world. Plus, he could always give Zeus coal for Christmas

But today, being summer, he had decided not to don his usual red suit and dressed like he was going for the beach instead.

Now, Zeus had decided to call a meeting of the gods, which signaled he was _seriously majorly upset_. This probably meant that something important had happened.

Then again, Zeus got _seriously majorly upset_ if his chocolate ice cream sundae wasn't chilled to exactly 37.493752056 degrees Fahrenheit and didn't have _exactly_ five nuts in it, so that wasn't really a big guarantee.

Poseidon took his seat. He had been the last of the gods to arrive, and then Zeus cleared his throat.

"First of all, I have to announce that I'm changing my name to Jeus," he said. He pronounced it like 'juice.'

"Uh, why?" Poseidon asked.

"Because I'm called Zeus, and Jupiter at the same time," Zeus said. "I mean, it's so confusing, so I decided to merge them into one awesome name so I don't get confused anymore, and Zupiter sounded stupid, so…"

"Uh-huh," Poseidon said.

Meanwhile, Apollo leaned over towards Artemis and whispered, "I bet you ten drachmas Hera starts calling herself Huno by the end of this fanfic."

"Deal," Artemis whispered back.

"Another thing," Jeus said. "My Master Bolt is missing."

"You mean the bolt that controls all bolts?" Athena asked.

Jeus nodded, while Apollo began singing, "One Bolt to rule them all, One Bolt to find them, One Bolt to-"

He never got further as Ares knocked him out. Apollo had forgotten that all references to The Lord of the Rings were banned on Olympus since the incident of August 2007.

 **Apollo Owned: 1**

"So, who took it?" Jeus asked.

"I don't know. Are you sure you didn't lose it?" Poseidon asked. "Because it isn't it my bathroom."

"Why would the Master Bolt be in your bathroom?" Athena asked.

"Uh, well, this is kind of hard for me to say, but I kind of used the Master Bolt occasionally to unclog my toilet," Poseidon said awkwardly.

There was an awkward silence after that, with Zeus glaring at Poseidon.

"Why does Poseidon even need a toilet? It's not like we have to, you know…" Hermes said, but softly so no one heard him.

Athena meanwhile, was being occupied by memories of her childhood, or to be more accurate, when she had just emerged out of Zeus' skull.

 **Flashback to Athena's 'Childhood'**

Of course, Athena had been born fully grown, but Zeus seemed to be having trouble with that. He had made a small shirt saying 'Daddy's Little Girl' on it which waaaay too many sizes small for her. He had even tried to burp her once.

Athena sort of felt sorry for punching him the face that time so hard.

"Okay," Zeus said as he put down his Master Bolt and grabbed a slice of cake. "Open your mouth for the airplane!"

"For the thousandth time," Athena said, "I am not a child. I do not need to be fed. And airplanes haven't even been invented yet, stop messing around with the time stream!"

"Okay," Zeus said. "Open wide for the choo-choo train!"

"That's even more ridiculous," Athena said. "And trains haven't been invented either."

Then again, Athena did feel bad for breaking Zeus' nose, so she thought that she might indulge him just this once.

 **Back To the Present**

It just occurred to Athena then that Zeus had been touching the Master Bolt before feeding her, and hadn't bothered to wash his hands beforehand. And he never washed the Master Bolt. And it had been in Poseidon's toilet.

Now, some people might say that Athena was a bit of a germaphobe, but that wasn't true, it was just that she knew a lot about microbiology, having been the pioneer of the field, so she was germ-averse.

Zeus was about to say something the Poseidon when Athena screamed so loudly it nearly shattered Poseidon's eardrums, and then she ran out of the place to go wash her mouth.

Once everyone had recovered from this sonic attack, Zeus said, "I happen to have found a clue regarding who stole it though on this very official-looking memo." He held up a stack of napkins which had this written on them:

 _Dear Zeus,_

 _I just wanted to let you know about who stole your Master Bolt and all. It was Posydin, so just believe me and accept this as a fact. And oh yeah, I wasn't involved in stealing it at all._

 _Signed,_

 _Luke Castellan_

When Zeus had found this and managed to read it, his thought was, 'This Luke boy sounds like a nice upstanding gentleman. I sure do believe him."

Poseidon grabbed it and said, "You do realize that this is written on a stack of napkins in crayon and it looks like a kindergartner wrote it, not to mention that my name is spelled wrong. Do you call this official-looking?"

"That's exactly what the thief would have said," Zeus said, which was something that he had planned to say no matter what Poseidon said in response to the memo.

Poseidon sighed. The only one who could make Zeus see sense was Athena, and she was out unfortunately.

"Okay, if you really want your bolt back, didn't you install a 'Find My Bolt' app in it?" Poseidon asked as he whipped out a laptop. "Let me just connect to the Olympus network."

The following message came up: _We seem to have trouble connecting with the server. Please try again later._

'Oh well,' Poseidon thought. 'They'll probably get it back up soon.'

 **Six Hours Later**

"Probably only a little more," Poseidon said as it had still not been fixed.

 **Six Days Later**

"Any minute now," Poseidon said.

 **Six Weeks Later**

At this point, Poseidon didn't trust himself to say anything as he would probably have just caused a tsunami somewhere. He tried to remain calm as possible as he put his laptop away.

"I want my bolt back!" Jeus shouted.

"When is the server going to be back up?" Poseidon asked.

Hephaestus pulled out an abacus and began moving the beads on it. After ten minutes he said, "Six to nine months."

"Sixty-nine months!" Poseidon exclaimed.

"No, six t _o_ nine months," Hephaestus said.

"How do you even get a number like that?" Poseidon asked. "How are you going to fix it?"

"Spit, grit, and a whole lot of duck tape," Hephaestus replied.

"I don't care about that," Jeus said. "I want you to get me my Master Bolt back by the winter solstice, or else there's going to be war."

"Out of pure curiosity, why did you pick the winter solstice as the deadline?" Poseidon asked.

"That's when I'll be done with my copy of _Pokemon Alpha Ruby_ ," Jeus said.

"War is about to break out," Hermes said. "This is just like that Cinco de Mayo celebration all over again. Or that time we visited the Vikings." To make a long story short, the Olympians had encountered the Norse Gods, and Zeus' tooth was still stuck in Thor's arm. At least this wasn't as bad as that time they had tried to hold a prom like regular mortals. No, that night was more commonly referred to as 'The Night We Shall Never Speak of Again and Try Not to Think About.'

And with that, the meeting was over.

 **A/N: So, how'd you guys like it? I tried to smooth things over this time unlike the old one which was rather choppy. Also, I'm going to reuse some things from the old one, but change a few things too. Also, I always like reviews on what your favorite part/line was and all that.**

 **Also, should I leave the old one alone? I kind of don't feel like deleting it.**


	2. Everybody Hates Percy

**A/N: And now we start with our real protagonist, Percy Jackson.**

Percy Jackson was understandably nervous as the bus full of kids from Yancy Academy was going to a museum.

Yes, I know that sounds like torture, but to be honest something like this was a whole lot better than some of the school's other ideas, like Bring Your Anaconda to School Day.

Percy, though, in general was not good with field trips anyway.

 **At the Aquarium**

"I wonder what this lever does," Percy said and pulled it, taking him and the class for an unexpected swim.

 **At the Nuclear Power Plant**

"What does this switch do?" Percy asked as he touched it, though thankfully all that did was turn the air conditioning on.

 **At Oscorp Laboratories**

"Now listen class," the teacher said, "it turns out that one of the spiders has escaped. So just remain calm."

Of course, Percy just had to put his hand where it shouldn't have belonged (let's leave the place to your imagination) and got bitten by a spider, causing changes in his basic DNA structure thus giving him superpowers.

Okay, so maybe the last one didn't actually happen, but that didn't change the fact that Percy was bad at field trips.

Not to mention that his headmaster had threatened him with death by in-school suspension (which was only slightly better than the alternative death by penguin) if anything bad, embarrassing, or even mildly entertaining happened on the trip.

Meanwhile, Nancy Bobofit was throwing stuff at Grover, who was pretty much the only kid in school who was loser enough to be Percy's friend.

Percy didn't do anything because he'd be suspended, and also because he was pretty pathetic and would probably only get beaten up. After all, the kindergartners at the school would often beat him up and take his lunch money as a regular pastime.

Still, Percy did have some hope for the school trip as Mr. Brunner was in charge. Mr. Brunner had been the teacher Percy had first met on his first day of school.

 **Flashback To Percy's First Day of School**

Percy Jackson was nervously looking at the assortment of kids looking back at him.

Mr. Brunner took out a piece of paper. "Hello students. Please welcome Mr. Paul Johnson."

"Percy Jackson," Percy corrected in a weak voice.

"Whatever," Mr. Brunner said. "So anyway, Mr. Perry Jelfin here is very fond of apples. He could eat apples all day long, and likes all kinds of apples, red apples, green apples, black apples, and orange apples."

"I really don't like apples that much," Percy said. "And I'm sure that they don't even come in those colors."

"No one cares what you think," Mr. Brunner said. "So, as you know, he is a new student here, so I fully expect that all of you pick on him and bully him and make sure that his stay here is as uncomfortable as possible."

Percy was sure there was something really wrong with that, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what.

Just then everyone else in the class pulled out straws and began bombarding him with spit wads.

 **End of Flashback**

The sad thing was that that was one of Percy's happiest moments at his school.

Even sadder was that Mr. Brunner was Percy's nicest teacher, so I think that pretty much sums up how his school life was.

Finally, they managed to arrive at the museum. It blew Percy's mind that some of this stuff had survived for two thousand, three thousand years.

Then again, it also blew Percy's mind that the main character of _The Legend of Zelda_ games wasn't called Zelda and was actually someone named Link, so that really wasn't much of an achievement.

Mr. Brunner gathered the class around a thirteen-foot-tall stone column with a big sphinx on the top and explained that it was a grave marker, a stele, for a girl about their age.

It seemed vaguely interesting, so Percy was actually trying to listen even though everyone else was talking, and the other teacher chaperone, Mrs. Dodds was giving him the evil eye.

Mrs. Dodds was the Math teacher, which was already reason enough for everyone to hate her and for her to hate everyone, but she hated Percy more than the other kids. One day, as punishment, she had forced him to watch the entire _Twilight_ saga until midnight. Later, he had told Grover that he didn't think Mrs. Dodds was human. Grover said, "You're right."

And so, Percy was left assuming based on the evidence he had gathered that Mrs. Dodds was a unicorn.

Anyway, Nancy Bobofit kept pointing to the naked guy on the stele, though oddly enough when Percy looked at him it seemed to blur out as if someone was censoring it.

Meanwhile, Mr. Brunner was explaining about a painting. "This is a painting of Kronos eating his children. As we all know, Kronos was the king god-"

"God? Don't you mean Titan?" Percy asked.

"Don't be a nerd Percy," Mr. Brunner replied and everyone snickered.

Mr. Brunner then went on to give a story about the painting that Percy was pretty sure had been made up at the top of Mr. Brunner's head since it involved the Terminator, that guy from the second Matrix Movie, and copious amounts of references to Taylor Swift music.

"And then the gods cut up their father Kronos and cast him into Tartar Sauce," Mr. Brunner said.

"I think you mean Tartarus," Percy said. "And that sounds mean. Why'd they do that?"

"Because Kronos was evil, Percy," Mr. Brunner said.

"How evil?" Percy asked.

"He laughed when Simba's dad died in _Lion King_ ," Mr. Brunner said.

"That's pretty hardcore evil," Percy said. Behind him, Nancy Bobofit started laughing.

"Right. How on earth is this going to help us in real life?"

"To paraphrase Miss Bobofit's extremely stupid question, how will this help in real life?" Mr. Brunner asked Percy.

"Not at all? Unless you know, you want to major in Greek mythology or something like that in which you do no real work and party for four to seven years and eventually end up unemployed and later working as a barista at Starbucks with no hope of paying off the excessive student loans you took out for your education," Percy said.

"Exactly. How did you not know something simple like that Miss Bobofit?" Mr. Brunner asked and Grover snickered and said, "Busted."

Nancy Bobofit turned a bright shade of pink and said, "Shut up!"

Mr. Brunner dismissed the entire class except for Percy. To Percy he said, "There's been something I've wanted to tell you."

"What?" Percy asked.

"You're never going to amount to anything," Mr. Brunner said. "What I teach is absolutely worthless, but I really don't expect anything from you at this point anyway. After all, you have dyslexia and an attention deficit disorder, not to mention you've never made above a C minus in your life. I think you should probably accept that your life is going to be lame and miserable from here on. I don't expect you to be bad, I expect you to be the worst. You're probably not even going to make it to high school. You'd probably be lucky to get a job at McDonalds."

Percy was speechless. "But... but why?" he asked. Mr. Brunner just shrugged.

Sure, it was sort of cool when Mr. Brunner went ahead and gave them all a lesson that they all knew was stuff that he had just made up, but Percy felt like he wasn't being pushed hard enough.

Mr. Brunner took one long happy look at the stele, as if he'd been at this girl's funeral and danced on her grave, and wanted to do it again right now.

Percy went outside and tried to sit away from the other kids, who were probably going to do nothing but bully him.

Not to mention he knew that the rest of them didn't want to other people to think that they went to the same school as Percy Jackson.

Grover came up to him a bit later and said, "Come on Percy. Let's grab a taxi and get out of this place."

Percy shook his head. "You might want to do that Grover, but I'll have you know that I take my studies very seriously."

Now, I know what you're all thinking. 'What is this? What sort of insane, messed up parallel universe is this in which not only Percy corrects the teacher, but cares about studying? That's just impossible. Now, if the writer had done something that was just crazy like ship Pertemis, or give Percy a twin sister or something like that, well, at the very least that might have been something believable, but not as insane as _making Percy a good student_! Now that was just something that no one in their right minds can believe, not even in a parody.'

Don't worry though, because it isn't what you're thinking.

Grover was not one to be fooled though. "Percy?"

"Yes?" Percy asked.

"You do realize that you're literally making paper airplanes out of your Math notes, right?" Grover asked.

Percy was just finished folding a page on fractions when he stopped. He looked depressed though.

And so, you're probably thinking, 'Hooray! This fanfic now makes sense slightly! Percy is bad at school like always.'

"What happened?" Grover asked.

"Nothing, just Mr. Brunner trying to push me down like usual," Percy said.

Grover looked at Percy, and Percy was expecting some deep, philosophical insight into the world that would cheer him up, but instead Grover said, "Would you cheer up if I made a Looney Tunes reference?"

Grover then took Percy's apple, bit into it, and said, "What's up, Doc?"

"That really didn't cheer me up," Percy said. "And it should probably have been done with a carrot."

"To be perfectly honest," Grover said, "I just sort of wanted your apple. I didn't really care if you got cheered up or not."

Percy sighed and his mind wandered to what Grover had said, about leaving the class. That way, he could go visit his mom and stay in his huge playboy mansion. He grinned, and said, "Okay, let's go ditch these people."

Unfortunately though, before they could go ahead with this plan, Nancy Bobofit came and dumped her half-eaten lunch in Grover's lap, and said "Whoops."

"Why do you keep doing this?" Grover asked. "The only reason I can think that you keep this up is because you know, you might secretly like me and doing all this is how you want to get my attention."

Nancy Bobofit turned a bright shade of pink. "Don't be ridiculous," she said. "I only pick on you two losers because it is _so_ easy, and your friend their starts crying like a little girl whenever someone bullies him. So what are you going to do about it?"

There was nothing Percy could do about it, so he was about to start crying when Grover got up and pushed Nancy into the fountain.

And so, everyone else in the class did the only natural thing, they made a ring around them and began chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

At that moment though, Mrs. Dodds interrupted them and glared at Grover. "Just what happened here?"

Grover pointed a finger at Percy and said, "Percy pushed Nancy Bobofit into the fountain!"

Now, Percy knew that Grover was terrified of Mrs. Dodds, but that wasn't an excuse to blame something you did on your best friend.

Mrs. Dodds looked triumphant as she glared at Percy.

"I didn't do it," Percy said. "I'm far too weak an puny to do something cool like get into a fight." He was right of course, when picked on Percy generally just cried for his mommy, which was why he had been given the name 'Persissy' by the other kids.

At that point, Nancy Bobofit said, "Grover's right. Percy was the one who pushed me." Percy couldn't believe his ears and stared in amazement at Nancy, who was staring at Grover, and all that Percy could think was, 'Wow! Nancy Bobofit does have a crush on Grover and she's lying to save him from punishment! That's like the first genuine plot twist in this fanfic!'

"I don't care what you say Mr. Jackson," Mrs. Dodds said. "You're coming with me."

"Why do you think I did it?" Percy asked.

"I think you did it for the same reason that Zeus thinks Poseidon stole his Master Bolt, for a reason that was never clearly satisfactorily in the original books," Mrs. Dodds said.

"Are you sure you want to go breaking the fourth wall like that?" Percy asked.

"Shut up," she said. "Now, honey-"

"I know, I know, another essay on why Team Jacob is better than Team Edward," Percy said. That was his mistake; you should never try and guess your punishment. Mrs. Dodds snorted and turned towards the museum and Percy was forced to walk behind her.

Grover was frantically looking at Mr. Brunner as if hoping that he would notice, but Mr. Brunner was playing _Pokemon Soulsilver_ and was at the part where you fight Whitney's evil Miltank, so the chances of him doing anything were pretty low.

Inside, Mrs. Dodds was making a weird growling noise.

"Uhh, Mrs. Dodds?" Percy asked.

"Did you think we are fools?" she asked. "That you could do something like that and we wouldn't notice?"

Percy could come to only four logical conclusions from this:

1\. The teachers had found the illegal stash of "candy" that he had been selling out of his dorm room.

2\. They had found out that he was Batman.

3\. They found out that he had taken his essay on _Twilight: New Moon_ from the Internet and were going to take away his grade, or worse, make him read the actual book.

4\. They had found about the Thursday incident.

Now, as we all know Percy isn't Batman, so that rules out number two, but that still left three other options.

"Are you going to confess?" Mrs. Dodds asked.

"I plead the Third," Percy said.

"It's the Fifth!" Mrs. Dodds said. "How do you not know that?"

Percy shrugged. "It isn't my fault. Our political science teacher has been missing ever since 'Bring Your Anaconda to School Day.'"

"Do I look like I care?" she asked.

"No," Percy said. "I think that you care one-third about _Twilight_ , one-half about Maths, and two-thirds about punishing me."

"That makes one and a half, dear," Mrs. Dodds said, her voice getting sweeter as she got angrier, kind of like Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter. "You really aren't good at fractions, are you?"

"Yeah," Percy said. "But then again, it isn't my fault. I have a horrible Math teacher who's really an evil, crazy old bat."

It took Mrs. Dodds an entire five seconds to realize that Percy was talking about her, which was when she transformed into a Fury.

"Wait, you're not a unicorn!" Percy exclaimed.

Mrs. Dodds lunged at Percy with her talons, and Percy ducked. Mr. Brunner then went into the room and threw something at Percy that hit him on the head.

"Oww," Percy said. He picked it up to see that it was a lightsaber, no, not a real lightsaber, but one of those toy ones that you can buy.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Percy asked. "Couldn't you have given me a real lightsaber, or I don't know, a sword?"

"Don't be ridiculous Percy," Mr. Brunner said. "I can't give you something like a real lightsaber, which doesn't exist, or a sword. Seriously, why would I give a twelve-year old a real sword, even if the child in question didn't have ADHD and wasn't dyslexic? What if you hurt someone with it?"

"That's kind of the whole point of what I need to do!" Percy shouted back. Mrs. Dodds lunged at him again, and so Percy whacked her with the toy lightsaber anyway, and surprisingly it cut through her like butter and she disintegrated like a sand castle put near a power fan.

"Hooray," Percy said. "I managed to kill my Math teacher, which is something that most people can only dream about."

He turned around and saw that he was alone. He started walking as he saw that everyone had lined up for the bus. He was about to get on when Mr. Brunner stopped him.

"Wait a minute," Mr. Brunner said. "Just who are you?"

Percy blinked. "I'm Percy Jackson sir, you know, the kid that everyone hates?"

Mr. Brunner frowned and sat forward, looking mildly concerned. "I don't know who you are young man, but there is no Percy on this trip. As far as I know, there has never been a Percy Jackson at Yancy Academy. Are you feeling all right?"

Percy's head started spinning. What was this about? The other kids were also looking at him as if they didn't recognize him. It might have almost fooled Percy, if it wasn't for the fact that Mr. Brunner suddenly smiled.

"Hey!" Percy said. "All of you are just pretended like this so you can go back to school without me, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Mr. Brunner said unconvincingly. He held up the register of names, which had Percy's name, but it had been crossed out so that you could still see it.

"Okay, if you're going to try to pull something like this off," Percy said, "you could have done a better job of getting rid of my name from the register. Like at least use white-out or something." Percy knew that Mr. Brunner hated him, but he couldn't believe that he was going to try to do something like this, and that all the class, Grover included, had joined in on it.

"Whatever, person who I've never seen before," Mr. Brunner said as he shut the bus' door and drove off.

And so, Percy was left alone at the museum and started crying as he was forced to walk back all the way to his school, all due to that meanie Mr. Brunner.

 **A/N: And so this chapter also ends. Thanks for the reviews Drthrath, ksoccer16, and Nightcorelover297. Also, I think I agree with ksoccer16, I'll leave the old one as it is. As for the old one, it is sort of like this one except a whole lot shorter and stuff.**

 **Also, again, the views said aren't necessarily mine, so if you are a fan of** _ **Twilight**_ **or do plan to major in Greek Mythology/Latin or do work in Starbucks, I hope you didn't mind.**

 **Another thing, you may have noticed that Grover isn't French in this version. To be honest, I kind of regretted making Grover French. It was good for one line but made writing about him harder later on, so sorry fans of French Grover!**


	3. Percy's Teacher Is A One Directioner

**A/N: So, in this we continue with Percy's rather odd school life. Also, I don't own any of the other myriad of things that I've referenced throughout this fanfic.**

Percy was having a hard time fitting in.

For one thing, everyone in the school was going around pretending that he didn't exist. It went on for several days before he managed to bribe Grover with enough cheese enchiladas so he finally cracked and would notice him, and eventually Mr. Brunner began acknowledging his existence as well, but that was only because bullying Percy was too much fun.

And so, Percy eventually got a letter from the headmaster stating that he would not be allowed to come back to Yancy Academy next year since no pretty much no one would admit knowing who he was and so he would cease to exist according to school records by then.

Percy also noticed that no one seemed to remember who Mrs. Dodds was, and that suited him just fine. He didn't want to be questioned for her disappearance, after all, he was barely able to survive in a Middle School, there was no way that he would last in jail, and he was in no mood of being the star of a Percy Jackson/Prison Break crossover fanfic.

And so, time rushed on until it was time for finals week, the time where everything is made up and the points still matter.

The first paper was English, and according to Percy, 'It wented really well,' which should give you some idea of how it went.

As for Percy's other papers aside from Latin and English, they can't be shown as they were copyrighted as the answers on them were so hilarious that Yancy Academy decided to sell them to _Saturday Night Live_ to be shown to the whole world.

There was only one real test left, Latin, which was the only one that Percy had bothered to study for, since he really wanted to rub it in Mr. Brunner's face how nice he had done and how wrong Mr. Brunner had been about him. He could've done this with his other teachers as well, but they didn't even acknowledge that he existed (as a matter of fact, Mrs. Kerr, the new Math teacher, also seemed to either be in on the whole thing or really didn't think Percy went to Yancy Academy. Percy was okay with this as this meant that he could ditch all of his Math classes without anyone punishing him, which was also something millions of kids his age wished for but couldn't do), and so beating their exams wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. As Percy said, 'What's the point of winning if you can't rub it in someone's face?'

So, the evening before his Latin exam, Percy was feeling pumped and decided to go and brag to Mr. Brunner before the exam started.

While he was three steps from Mr. Brunner's door, he paused as he realized that Grover and Mr. Brunner were inside. And so, Percy decided to stop and eavesdrop on them so that he might get some blackmail information on Grover that he could use to his advantage later.

"I have to say that your plan has been working great," Grover said.

"What plan?" Mr. Brunner asked.

"You know- we've been pretending that Percy doesn't exist, that way he's too caught up in all of this to notice that the real thing that we're hiding is that supposedly Mrs. Dodds doesn't exist and vanished, and it has been working perfectly, Percy hasn't asked me about Mrs. Dodds once," Grover said.

"Really? I planned that?" Mr. Brunner asked, confused. "I mean, yeah, uh, of course, that was my plan all along."

In reality, Mr. Brunner had just done that because he liked being mean to Percy, and Grover had joined in because he had thought that it was Mr. Brunner's plan at distracting Percy.

At that moment, Percy was getting ready to hear about some more information when his phone started ringing like crazy.

A lot of things went through Percy's mind at that moment, of which none can be printed as this fanfic is rated K+, and so he ran into the next room and closed the door after refusing to pick up the call.

"What was that?" Grover asked. At that moment, Percy was thankful he had changed his phone's ringtone to that of a penguin's mating cry instead of a normal ringtone, and so Grover added, "It sounded like a penguin."

"Okay Grover," Mr. Brunner said. "I think that this is a great time for me to transform into my true form, disregarding the fact that I'm in a school and there are loads of people who could see me and such."

"Are you sure that that's a good idea?" Grover asked.

"Of course it isn't, that's why I'm doing it," Mr. Brunner said.

Percy then saw something that looked way taller than a teacher in a wheelchair, and even some sounds like a horse was walking down the hallway.

From that, Percy could only conclude that Mr. Brunner was a unicorn as well.

"Oh well," Mr. Brunner said. "It seems that there is no one there, and of course it makes sense for me to not bother looking into any of these other rooms and only check the hallway, Mr. Rick Riordan. I guess we must have just imagined hearing a penguin's mating cry."

"Yeah," Grover said. "Because a penguin's mating cry is something that we all occasionally imagine hearing from time to time."

Percy looked at who had called him and didn't recognize the number. Whoever this person was, they had called at a time which made him miss potential blackmail information. He dialed the number and someone on the other end said,

"Good morning, I would just like to talk to you for a moment about a product-" Percy groaned, his golden moment had been taken away by a telemarketer. He could only hope they person was selling something that he wanted.

"A new drug that our company has invented, to combat morning sickness experienced by pregnant woman!"

Percy screamed internally and chucked his phone across the room where it hit the wall and broke. After all, his eavesdropping attempt had been foiled by a telemarketer who was trying to sell him drugs to combat morning sickness for pregnant woman.

Once Percy was sure the coast was clear, he headed back to his room where Grover was there, acting like he hadn't been in the same room as that of a magical unicorn.

"What's up?" Grover asked.

"You and Mr. Brunner owe me a new phone," Percy said and went to sleep.

* * *

The next day, Percy was going through all the questions on his exam like clockwork, because he had memorized all of Mr. Brunner's notes. He smirked, and was sure that he had aced the test.

As Percy was done, Mr. Brunner called him back inside. For a moment Percy was worried that he had found about his eavesdropping, but Mr. Brunner just wanted to say, "Percy, don't be discouraged about leaving Yancy Academy. It's… It's for the best."

Percy turned a bright shade of red, since this meant that Mr. Brunner still didn't think he was good enough to be there. The other students heard, and Nancy Bobofit smirked at Percy and began making sarcastic kissing motions at him, before actually blowing Grover a kiss, who was too busy working on his paper to notice.

Percy shuddered. Nancy had stopped teasing Grover so much, and frankly Percy was glad to be away from Yancy since he did not want to be around if the two started dating.

"I mean…" Mr. Brunner wheeled his chair back and forth, as if he wasn't sure how he should put his thoughts in the meanest way possible. "This isn't the right place for you. It was only a matter of time. And like I had told you before, you were probably not going to make it into high school anyway."

Despite what had happened all year, Percy's eyes still stung. Here was his favorite teacher (favorite since he was the only one who noticed him) and even he was telling him that he couldn't make it in front of the class.

"Right," Percy said, trembling.

"So, yeah, get lost loser" Mr. Brunner said.

And so, Percy ran out of the room, feeling ashamed, but at least confident that he had done well in his exam.

 **One Week Later, When the Results Are Declared**

Percy couldn't believe it. He had gotten a zero in Latin. Now, it was quite normal for him to get an F in the other subjects, but the thing was that if there was one thing that Percy Jackson was good at, it was getting his grades up at the last moment.

You see, Percy went ahead and visited each of his teachers. So, even though none of them knew he existed or pretended to not know, he managed to be so annoying that in the end all of them changed his grades to a C, even Mrs. Kerr who was surprised that Percy was even a student of hers still gave him a C at the end even though Percy hadn't attended a single one of her classes. The headmaster agreed to all of these changes so long as Percy forfeited his intellectual rights to his exams so that they could be sold for a huge profit.

There was only one teacher left, Mr. Brunner. Percy walked into his office and asked, "Just why did I get a zero in the test?"

"Percy, all of your answers are wrong," Mr. Brunner said. "For one, you wrote that 'Titan' is a brand of watch, that Ares is King of the Gods, that Dionysus is the God of War, that apparently Zeus is an adopted child, and a whole lot of other wrong things."

"You've told me all of that!" Percy said, holding up his notes that Mr. Brunner had given him.

Mr. Brunner flicked through the notes, noting that apparently he _had_ made Percy write down all of those things.

"Okay, Percy," Mr. Brunner said, "the truth is that I don't really know anything about Greek Mythology or Latin at all. I cheated on all of my exams in college, and I sort of made all of that up. I didn't think anyone was stupid enough to take it seriously and that all of you would have just read the book for the real stuff, since I couldn't be bothered to read it. The rest of the kids were smart enough to realize that I was spouting nonsense and read from the textbook, well, that is, everyone except you. What made you think that it was enough to just read my notes?"

"You said, 'For the final exam, reading my notes will be sufficient,' in class at least three times!" Percy said.

"Oh," Mr. Brunner said. "I probably had high expectations from myself that I would bother learning the stuff I was supposed to teach, though I failed at that."

Percy was speechless.

"All right then," Mr. Brunner said. "I'll give a hundred for the test. But that doesn't change the fact that the end-of-term essay you handed in was terrible." He held up an essay, and Percy paled. "I asked you to write about any of the chapters in the book, and instead your essay looked curiously like a One Direction fanfic, because as I continued reading it, I realized that it _was_ a One Direction fanfic. Well?"

Percy really didn't have an answer to that.

"Then again," Mr. Brunner said, "I would have given you a zero if it wasn't for the fact that I am a One Directioner. But what really ticks me off is not that you gave me a One Direction fanfic, but that you gave me a _bad_ One Direction fanfic."

"Uh yeah," Percy said, "truth is that I really don't know anything about One Direction. I just copied that fanfic from somewhere."

Mr. Brunner glared at him. "I could have you expelled for plagiarism."

"I'm already being expelled," Percy said.

Mr. Brunner looked at Percy's essay/fanfic, and gave it a B minus.

Percy walked out of the room, thinking that the whole thing went much better than expected.

And so, the happy day came when Percy was finally leaving Yancy academy and was going back to his huge playboy mansion where there would be dozens of servants to give him anything he wanted and pretty much limitless candy.

Around him, the other delinquents, who were all nobodies instead of having a filthy rich parent like him, were discussing their mundane plans, which couldn't compare to Percy's planned hiking trip to Switzerland, or cruising the Caribbean for a month. However, they all talked as if Percy didn't exist, which wasn't much of a change from how they had acted all year.

And so, Percy left on a Greyhound towards the city, which would have been a wonderful experience if it wasn't for the fact that Grover had also decided to come with him.

Grover kept glancing at the aisles, as if he was worried that someone might see him with Percy Jackson.

"Looking for Kindly Ones?" Percy asked.

Grover jumped. "What about that?"

Percy then told him that he had eavesdropped on them, but that didn't really explain anything since the word 'Kindly Ones' had never been uttered, at least not in this fanfic.

"Okay, Percy," Grover said. "I need to tell you something…" He paused, and then handed Percy a small card which had script in fancy italics which was murder on Percy's dyslexic eyes.

 _Grover Underwood_

 _Keeper_

 _Half-Blood Hill_

 _Long Island, New York_

 _(800) 009-0009_

There were lots of stuff that one could say about the card, like how the number should have been 007 instead of 009 for a James Bond reference, but Percy picked on something else.

Percy giggled. "Your last name is Underwood? Heh, heh, Grover Underwear…"

Grover blushed. "Do not call me that! That's why I don't tell anyone my full name!"

Percy made a note to keep calling Grover that, but asked him, "So, your last name is Underwood, kind of like Weevil Underwood from Yu-Gi-Oh!, right. Are you related to him? Have you ever met Yugi? Do you use an insect deck?"

"No Percy, that takes place in a different universe," Grover answered. "And insect decks went out of fashion in the metagame a long time ago, Percy."

"Anyway," Grover said, "the thing is that I need to protect you."

Percy found this odd, considering the fact that Grover pretty much used Percy as a sacrificial lamb whenever he got the chance, often telling bullies, "Not me! Pick on this other kid instead, he cries way more and is so much more fun picking on!" Not to mention Grover used Percy as a human shield during dodgeball. Plus, it was Grover's fault that Mrs. Dodds had attacked Percy.

Just then, the bus broke, with the driver saying that all passengers had to get off.

All of them did get off, and Percy noticed three really old ladies sitting near a fruit stand knitting socks that were huge but unmistakably socks.

Still, Percy felt weird looking at them. Just then, one of them looked directly at Percy. She then picked up a phone and dialed it, and Percy's newly ordered phone (which he had paid for by swiping Mr. Brunner's credit card) began to ring. Hesitantly, Percy picked up his phone.

The old lady smiled at him and said, "Seven days…" The voice was ominous and chilling.

Percy was sweating. He was thinking, 'Seven days? Seven days and then what happens?'

The old lady cut the call, but as if she could read Percy's mind she took out a string, and snipped it with a pair of scissors. Percy gulped. Then, the second one took out a phone and dialed a number.

Percy's phone rang. Again. He picked it up, and a voice said, "They don't know who you are. But they will find you, and they will kill you."

And then, the third one took out her phone and called.

Percy picked up that one too. "You're about to be taken," the third one said.

Just then, the bus appeared to be fixed, and Percy turned around to see the drive pulling out a _Cosmopolitan_ magazine from the engine, wondering how it got there while Grover was looking guilty and nervous and said, "How should I know?" even though nobody had asked him anything.

Percy looked back at the fruit stand, and the old ladies were gone.

"Did you see that? Did you see those old ladies?" Percy asked.

"I don't think those socks would have fit you," Grover said.

"This isn't time to joke," Percy said. "They called me and made weird _The Ring_ and _Taken_ references. And one of them cut a string. Doesn't that mean someone's going to die?"

"Yeah," Grover said happily as if he was already choosing the kind of music he was going to play at Percy's funeral while dancing on Percy's grave, probably 'It's the Best Day Ever'. Percy had a mental image of Mr. Brunner, Nancy Bobofit, and Grover standing over where he was buried and doing the can-can.

"Let me walk you home from the bus station," Grover asked.

Percy agreed, but made a note to ditch Grover the moment that he got the chance. (This is extra funny because it actually happens.)

 **A/N: And so, this chapter as well ends. I've noticed one thing, that now this fanfic is longer than the old** _ **The Lightning Thief Parody**_ **at just three chapters even though we even haven't even gotten to getting Percy to Camp Half-Blood yet. I know longer isn't always better, but I feel like the flow of the story is a bit better than last time, rather than what seemed like a bunch of jokes strung together. It does involve a small amount of filler in between, but I think that's necessary to keep a smooth story going. Any comments on that?**

 **As for my reviewers, Bridget, thank you.**

 **Insane PJO LOver: I didn't know about Rhett and Link until I Googled them, so sadly I can't comment on that. And I was kind of wondering when you'd review, but apparently you're busy with schoolwork, which is okay as I've been buried in it for a long time.**

 **Nightcorelover297: I don't really think there was a plot to stray from, but good to know that you liked it. Making Grover French** _ **really**_ **made it hard to write about him later on.**

 **Drama Llama-Sama: First of all, cool name, and secondly, yes, I loved the Penguins from Madagascar, and my second favorite was King Julian, so I guess I didn't really ever care for the main characters and all but whatever.**

 **Also, if anyone didn't get a reference or a line, feel free to ask.**


	4. Percy's Back Home

Confession time! Percy ditched Grover the moment that he got the chance.

Percy knew that Grover always had a nervous bladder, and anyway Percy had offered to buy both of them Cokes at a stop (also paid for using Mr. Brunner's credit card number), so it was no surprise to him when Grover needed to go to the bathroom and told Percy to wait for him.

The moment that Grover was out of sight, Percy immediately got into a cab and told the guy to go as fast as possible to his huge playboy mansion.

Now, before we talk about Percy's house, a word about his mother, before you meet her.

Her name is Sally Jackson, and she's the best person in the world, which just proves Percy's theory that the best people have the rottenest luck in the beginning before getting extremely lucky later on in life (which is what he was hoping was going to happen to him). Her own parents died in a plane crash when she was five (which means that Zeus killed Percy's grandparents), and she was raised by an uncle who didn't care much about her. She wanted to be a novelist, so she spent high school working to save enough money for a college with a good creative-writing program. Then her uncle got cancer, and she had to quit school her senior year to take care of him. After he died, she was left with non money, no family, and no diploma.

Now, this is when the good part starts off. So, Percy's mom was starting to sell candy in a small shop in New York, where she sold actual candy and not the 'candy' that Percy was selling out of his dorm. She had invented a new sort of candy that was blue, and just then an eccentric millionaire by the name of Willy Wonka had managed to find her candy shop, and said that he was looking for new treats to create a huge chocolate factory. He seemed impressed by the blue-colored dye that Sally Jackson had and seemed to think that blue food was a swell idea, and so he bought the rights to the blue-colored dye.

Along with the rights though, he also stipulated that he would assume total responsibility for the product. This was an extremely fortunate thing for Sally Jackson as it turns out that her dye caused kidney damage, and the FDA arrested Willy Wonka two hours later, fined him, and subsequently he was imprisoned for six months and his hopes of opening a chocolate factory were forever dashed.

On the other hand, Sally Jackson got another lucky break when she met Percy's father.

Percy had no memories of him, only a sort of faint, warm glow, like the kind he felt during Christmas. He didn't talk about him that much since it made his mom sad, and she hadn't kept any photographs of him.

See, they weren't married. She told Percy that he was rich and important, and their relationship was a secret. The one day he set sail across Atlantic on some important journey, and he never came back.

Lost at sea, she would say. Not dead. Lost at sea, which sounded vague enough in this context to imply that he was alive.

And so, Sally Jackson invented a better form of her dye (that wasn't hazardous to human health), and with a little bit of luck her investments proved fruitful and became rich enough to buy a huge playboy mansion. She then raised Percy on her own, and never complained or got mad once. Percy knew he wasn't an easy kid.

As Percy was approaching his giant playboy mansion and entered it, he noticed that Gabe and his friends were in the front room.

A introduction on Gabe Ugliano is probably required here. When Sally Jackson had bout the playboy mansion, she had started noticing weird occurrences at night, such as the food vanishing and her reviews about _Spongebob Squarepants_ on Netflix kept changing.

And then one day, she decided to set off a trap, like a Scoobey-Doo style trap except for some reason it worked in real life, and then she saw that she had captured a hobo.

Long ago, Gabe Ugliano had inherited the huge mansion and decided to make some money by investing shares in Enron.

We all know how that must have turned out. Once Gabe had lost all of his fortune, and the bank foreclosed his mansion, the loss did something to his mind and he became a hobo and retreated into the depths of the sewer network beneath the mansion.

And so, Gabe was caught but Sally let him wander around the house occasionally for reasons that will be explained probably within a few paragraphs.

So anyway, Percy walked in to see Gabe and the rest of his hobo friends playing poker around a table. The television blared the _Teletubbies_ and Pokemon trading cards littered the floor. When he was a kid, Percy had nicknamed him Smelly Gabe for reasons that should be blatantly obvious.

Gabe looked up from his poker match.

"So, you're home."

"Where's my mom?" Percy asked.

"Working," he said. "You got any cash."

Percy snorted. This guy was being allowed to live in a huge mansion rent-free and he still wanted some money.

Gabe had put on weight, probably because the NYC Municipal Department had cleared the sewers of most of the rats, meaning there was less competition for food down there.

He scoured the sewers for valuables as a living, and spent whatever he got on Pokemon cards, or beer, of course. Always beer. Whenever Percy was home, he expected Percy to provide his gambling funds. He called it their "guy secret." The meaning of this was that if Percy told anyone, he would punch Percy's light's out.

To be honest though, Percy knew that Gabe as well as all of his friends were really malnourished, so much that you could see the bones beneath their skins. Percy was sure that even he could take on all of them, but the thing was that they were all so dirty with who knows what, and were probably infected with all sorts of diseases so that Percy didn't want to go closer than twenty feet near them.

"I don't have any cash," I said.

Gabe raised a greasy eyebrow. He could smell money like a greyhound despite the fact that he smelled so bad, which was obviously necessary for survival in the sewer network beneath the city.

"You must have taken a taxi here," Gabe said. "So you should have some change. And perhaps some Oreos as well. Somebody expects to live under this roof, he ought to carry his own weight. Am I right, Eddie?"

Eddie was one of Gabe's hobo friends. He had made a huge amount of money as the voice of Eddy in _Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy_ and used it to become a landlord. He was however, conned into buying the Egyptian Pyramids by someone who called himself Stefan Bashkir (though obviously that wasn't his real name), though obviously when Eddie found out he had lost all of his money, he couldn't find that person anywhere. The only clue he had was that the person in question who had conned him seemed to believe in fairies.

And so, like Gabe, he too descended into the sewer life.

"Come on Gabe," Eddie said with a twinge of sympathy. "The kid just got here." Eddie was the nicest one of them, and had written 'The New York City Sewer Hobo's Code of Honor', copies of which Percy was told was available at several outlets under the city.

"Am I right?" Gabe asked again, because apparently he was either deaf or wanted someone to tell him he was right.

Eddie dug into one of the pretzels while two others began farting out the alphabet song in unison.

By this point, Percy was so tired of being near them he caved and put the 'loose change' he was carrying in his wallet, around seven hundred dollars, on the table and ran to his room.

The important rooms in the house, thankfully, were made Gabe-proof by a variety of means, such as spraying lots of air freshener, and so Percy's room was thankfully clean.

To be honest, Gabe's smell was so bad that it was almost worse than all of Yancy Academy combined and Mrs. Dodd's talons too.

Percy began worrying though, especially about the 'seven days' thing. A sudden chill rolled through him, and he felt like he was being watched, as if there was something just pounding up the stairs to get him, and that something was growing horrible talons at that moment.

Then he heard his mom's voice. "Percy?"

She then walked into the room, and all of his fears vanished.

Percy's mother could make him feel good just by walking into the room. Her eyes sparkle and change color in the light, probably meaning that she is either a descendant of Aphrodite or a vampire. Her smile is as warm as a quilt. She has a few gray streaks mixed in with her long brown hair, but Percy didn't think of her as old, and anyway it wasn't anything that plastic surgery couldn't fix up. When she looked at Percy, it's like she was seeing all the good things aobut him, none of the bad. He'd never heard her raise her voice or say an unkind word to anyone, not even him or Gabe.

"Oh, Percy." She hugged him. "I can't believe it. You've grown since Christmas!"

As always, she smelled like the best things in the world, chocolate, licorice, and all the other stuff that she sold, due to her new patented perfume that she had developed. She had also bought Percy some 'free samples', which she assured him were made using the normal blue dye rather than the new synthetic one that she had begun experimenting with.

They sat together on the edge of the bed. While he attacked blueberry sour strings like some starved wild animal, she ran her hand through his hair and demanded to know everything he hadn't put in his e-mails. She didn't mention anything about his getting expelled. She didn't seem to care about that. But was Percy okay? Was her little boy doing all right?

Percy told her that he was a big boy now, and that she was smothering him, but secretly was very glad to see her since all of that hatred at Yancy Academy.

From downstairs, Gabe yelled, "Hey, Sally- how about some bean dip, huh?" Another thing, apparently Gabe was under the delusion that he still owned the mansion and Sally was his secretary or something.

Percy gritted his teeth. "Why don't we just throw him out? It isn't like he belongs here."

Sally nodded. "Yes Percy, but remember, he isn't right in the head. And besides, he has his uses. That new synthetic dye I'm working on, well, in case there's another incident with the FDA, we can always say that Gabe messed with the formula in the lab in our mansion."

Percy sniffed. "I thought we kept him because his stench hides my scent from the monsters."

Sally nodded. "That too. But you're not supposed to know about that yet, are you?"

Percy's mom was the nicest lady in the world. She should've been married to a billionaire, but was probably just going to end up with some school teacher named Paul Blofish.

For her sake, Percy tried to sound upbeat about his last days at Yancy Academy. He told her that he wasn't too down about the expulsion. He'd lasted almost the whole year this time. He'd made some new friends (read, he made one 'friend', Grover, who counts as a friend in only the loosest sense of the word). He'd done pretty well in Latin. And honestly, the fights where he had always gotten beaten up weren't as bad as the medical reports said. Percy put such a good spin on the year, he almost convinced himself. He started choking up, thinking about Grover and Mr. Brunner, and how they had at the very least talked to him. Even Nancy Bobofit suddenly didn't seem so bad.

Until that trip to the museum…

"What?" his mom asked. Her eyes tugged at his conscience, trying to pull out secrets. "Did something scare you?"

"No, mom." In truth, pretty much _everything_ scared Percy, so they both knew this was a lie.

Actually, Percy's mom was quite concerned about Percy and how he was turning out and the reasons why. He seemed to be turning into a self-centered brat, but that couldn't possibly be _her_ fault. No, all she did was give him huge amounts of money and never scolded him, she couldn't possibly be the one spoiling him.

"I have a surprise for you," she said. "We're going to the beach."

Percy's eyes widened. "Montauk?"

"Three nights- same place."

"When?"

She smiled. "As soon as I get changed."

Percy couldn't believe it. He and his mom hadn't been to Montauk the last two summers, because their huge mansion there had been under investigation by the IRS as they thought Sally Jackson was using it as a tax shelter.

Gabe appeared in the doorway. Drat, Percy thought. The air fresheners were usually enough to keep him away, but it appeared like certain species of insects; he seemed to become immune to chemicals after some time. They were going to have to get a better formula.

"Bean dip, Sally? Didn't you hear me?"

Percy wanted to punch him, but he met his mom's eyes and understood that she was offering him a deal: be nice to Gabe for a little while. Just until she was ready to leave for Montauk. Then they would get out of there.

"I was on the way to tell the cook," she told Gabe. "We were just talking about the trip."

Gabe's eyes got small. "The trip? You mean you were serious about that? You want me to let you go on vacation at this time of year?"

Percy rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry," Sally said. "I'll have some seven-layer dip made for the whole weekend. Guacamole. Sour cream. The works."

Gabe softened a bit. "So, you won't be paid for these vacation days, right?"

Percy rolled his eyes again.

"And you won't take my care anywhere but there and back," Gabe said. The car was Sally's, but Gabe thought that he owned it too.

"We'll be very careful."

Gabe scratched his double chin. "Maybe if you hurry with that seven-layer dip… And maybe if the kid apologizes for interrupting my poker game."

Maybe if I kick you in your soft spot, Percy thought. And make you sing Justin Bieber songs for a week.

But, his mom's eyes warned him not to make him mad.

"I'm sorry," Percy said, trying to fake looking sorry which was something he had gotten very good at over the years, "I'm sorry that I interrupted your extra-fantastical, super-magical, fudge-coated with a cherry on top Poker game. Please return to it now."

Thankfully, most of Gabe's abilities to detect sarcasm had gone, so he decided to accept it.

"Thank you, Percy," his mom said.

An hour later were ready to leave, and Gabe took a break from his poker game long enough to watch one of the butler's lug the huge bags into the car. He kept griping about losing his secretary, and more important, 'his' gold-plated Lambhorgini for a whole weeked.

"Not a scratch on this car," he warned Percy. "Not one little scratch."

Percy glared at him. Seeing Gabe walk into the playboy mansion, he got so mad that he did something that he couldn't explain. As Gabe reached the doorway, Percy made the hand gesture that he'd seen Grover make on the bus, a sort of warding-off evil gesture, a clawed hand over his heart, then a shoving movement toward Gabe. The screen door slammed shut so hard it whacked him in the butt and sent him flying up the stair-case as if he'd been shot from a cannon, to Percy's satisfaction.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Wait! But Grover never did anything like that in the previous chapter! What is the author thinking?'

To this, I would reply, 'Well? Rick Riordan certainly didn't explain what Percy and Grover did. I mean, what was that hand sign? How did it let Percy control the door? Did it affect wind spirits or something? And how come it was never used again?'

And so, Percy got in the car and they sped off towards their summer home. The summer home was a nice mansion, kind of like a mini version of the one they normally lived in. They'd been going there since Percy was a baby. His mother even longer. She never said it, but Percy knew that it was the place she had met his father.

As they got closer to Montauk, she seemed to grow younger, years of worry and work disappearing from her face. Her eyes turned the color of the ocean for some unexplainable reason.

They got there by sunset. Percy was allowed to wander the whole mansion except for the basement, as there was a switch there that led to a secret compartment not in the building plan of the mansion which contained some things that Sally Jackson didn't want Percy, or the Internal Revenue Service, to know about.

When it got dark, Percy wanted to make a fire but Sally knew he would probably just burn the place down, so instead they took out a laptop and put a video of a campfire instead. They roasted marshmallows (in an oven, not on the screen of course). Percy's mother told him stories of her childhood before her parents died in the plane crash. She told me about the books she wanted to write someday which she had never been able to since having oodles of money and free time was slowing her down.

"And then Percy, I was going to call it 'Percy and the Chocolate Factory'."

Eventually, Percy got the nerve to ask about his father.

"He was kind, Percy," she said. "Tall, handsome, and powerful. But gentle and jolly too. You have his black hair, you know, and his green eyes. I wish he could see you Percy. He would be so proud."

Percy wondered how she could say that. What was so great about him? A dyslexic, hyperactive boy with a D+ report card, kicked out of school for the sixth time in six years, and who got perpetually beat up.

"How old was I?" Percy asked. "When he left?"

"He was only with me for a summer," Sally said. "After that he had to leave."

That night, Percy had a vivid dream. He saw someplace that looked like a preschool, where there was a small cot with two toddlers in it. One of them was dressed up like Santa Claus, and the other one was dressed up in pajamas with choo-choo trains on them, and he was also sipping juice out of a Sippy Cup.

The toddler with the Sippy Cup whined, "Give it back! Give it back!"

Someone spoke over the loadspeaker, goading them to continue attacking each other. The two toddlers began pushing each other.

Percy ran toward them, eager to also goad them into fighting or at least place bets on who would win, but he was running in slow motion for some reason. He saw the toddler with the choo-choo train pajamas open the cap on his Sippy Cup, and then hurl the juice inside at the toddler in the Santa Claus costume.

Percy's eyes widened. That juice… it would stain that Santa Claus costume so badly nothing would be able to get it out. The juice had already left its container though, and Percy screamed, No!

Percy woke up with a start. Outside, there was a storm brewing. The kind that turned over trees and usually made Percy hide under his sheets.

Percy's mother woke up and went towards his room, probably because she knew that the lightning would probably wake Percy up and he'd start crying, and she said, "Hurricane!"

"But the weatherman said that there wouldn't be any storms tonight," Percy protested.

"Yes Percy, but all weathermen are usually wrong due to reasons that will be explained in _The Lost Hero_ ," Sally said. "And that's like five books away, so anyway-"

The doorbell rang, and Percy shouted, "I'll get it."

Now, this is generally the part of the story with an unprecedented storm, and the characters stranded alone in some remote area, that they are met with someone like Jason (from the horror movies, not the demigod), but when Percy opened the door he was relieved to only see Grover.

"What are you doing here?" Percy asked.

"Well you know Percy, I was just wandering around Long Island at around 2 AM in the night, and thought that with the weather so good, you know with the hurricane warning and all, I might go for a stroll to visit Percy Jackson, you know, have some tea and whatnot and maybe try and sell some Girl Scout cookies," Grover said sarcastically.

"I don't really want Girl Scout cookies," Percy said, who was apparently unaware of sarcasm. "And I don't really like tea, but does tea also come in blue varieties?"

"Gah!" Grover screamed in frustration. He saw Percy's mom and decided to tell her instead about all that had happened.

"Percy, come on, let's go," Sally said.

They probably would have left right then and there, but Percy spent like forty-five minutes packing his 'essentials', namely his Nintedo Wii, his Playstation, his Xbox, around fifty video games, and a month's supplies of Oreos.

But, as they went towards the car, Percy realized something.

Grover wasn't wearing pants. And he didn't have feet either. There were cloven hooves.

 **A/N: And so this chapter also ends. I have to admit that it is weird how Rick Riordan mentions that Sally's eyes change color. Then again, several eye/hair colors are changed in the books, so he might just have trouble remembering them.**

 **ARandomFangirler: Thanks! Also, I made Chiron act like Mr. D for a reason, and Mr. D acts like, well, I'm not giving out spoilers just yet!**

 **Bridget: Thanks!**

 **Also, I will be on hiatus unfortunately for a couple of weeks, so this is probably the last update from me you'll see for a while. And as always, I do appreciate reviews, even if they are just a word or a line, and if you feel like you didn't get a line, feel free to ask.**


	5. The Laws of the Universe

**A/N: Sorry for the really long wait for this chapter guys. Something came up and it just sapped away all of my time. Updates should be quicker now.**

A storm was brewing. As Sally Jackson was driving the car, the rain pounded on the windows and the wind blew loudly. The visibility was almost zero, which meant that it was illegal to continue driving, but Sally Jackson had never shirked from something just because it was against the law before, and she wasn't going to start now.

"So," Percy said, trying to make some conversation. "You're a Faun? Like from _The Chronicles of Narnia_?"

"Nope," Grover said, "I'm a Satyr because I'm Greek."

"Really? What sort of hazing did you go through?" Percy asked.

"I didn't mean a fraternity, Percy," Grover said, exasperated. "I'm saying that I'm from the Greek Camp, not from the Roman Camp which technically I shouldn't be telling you about but I don't really care."

Percy couldn't believe this was all happening. He was sure he was dreaming, but the thing was that he had the creativity of a tree stump. There was no way he could have imagined something like this. He hadn't even been able to write a good poem for his third grade assignment.

 **Several Years Earlier**

A young Percy Jackson was nervously holding a piece of paper as he stared at the rest of his class.

"And so, this is my poem," Percy said. His poem went like this:

 _My teacher said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _My principal said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _My friend said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _Even my pet turtle said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _So I wrote this just to show 'em._

Percy stopped and smiled. Immediately, the rest of the class took out several sharp writing utensils, which technically speaking the teacher should have tried to stop, but actually said, "Come on kids! He's getting away! Start running after him!"

Apparently, his poem had been so bad that the rest of the class had chased him for over eight hours, even after school was out.

 **And Now Back to the Present**

"Where are we going?" Percy asked.

"The only safe place for demigods," Sally said.

"Yeah," Grover said. "Except we'll go ahead and contradict that in our spin-off series, _The Heroes of Olympus_. But that's like five books away."

"We're just one mile away now," Sally said.

"You can recognize it by the giant pine tree," Grover said. "And the huge neon sign over it. And the huge statue of Severus Snape on the hill."

"Why is there a huge statue of Snape?" Percy asked.

Grover looked at Percy like he was an idiot (that was honestly how he looked at Percy most of the time) and said, "Well duh Percy, the place is called Half-Blood Hill, and he's the Half-Blood Prince. So we honor him, especially after him starring in hit movies like _Rise of the Planet of the Snapes_ and _Dawn of the Planet of the Snapes_."

"I think we're almost there," Percy said. "Absolutely nothing can go wrong now."

Of course according to the laws of the universe, it's just right then that the car completely turned around and nearly exploded, knocking Grover out.

Percy and Sally managed to get out of the car.

"Don't bother with Grover," Sally said. "We'll just have to leave him."

"I can't," Percy said. "He owes me like, five dollars and thirty-seven cents."

Sally groaned and helped Percy carry Grover out of the car.

"Okay," Percy said as he saw the huge neon sign, except it seemed that someone (probably a Hermes camper) had changed the words 'HALF-BLOOD' to 'IWANNAPEEPEE' so that the sign said 'CAMP IWANNAPEEPEE' instead of 'CAMP HALF-BLOOD.'

"Why is it called Camp Iwannapeepee?" Percy asked.

"Percy, the word 'Iwannapeepee' means 'blessed ray of sunshine' in the old language," Sally said.

There was a huge statue of Severus Snape, even taller than the pine tree, and it glared down on them like it was about to say 'Five points from Gryffindor!' and beneath the neon sign, there was the camp motto, which was in Portuguese but translated to 'Lower Your Standards.'

"Why is our camp motto the same as Greendale Community College?" Percy asked as the lugged Grover up the hill. "And why is the motto of a Greek camp in Portuguese?"

"Really, Percy, this is the wrong time for you to have developed a curiosity and thirst for knowledge," Sally said.

"Food! Water! Atmosphere!" Grover mumbled while he was asleep.

Just then, evil theme music started playing. Percy and Sally kept trying to haul Grover higher and higher, but a figure came out from the rain.

It was the Minotaur, someone Percy thought was a child of Dionysus and Aphrodite thanks to Chiron, and he was wearing nothing but his undies and carrying a huge stereo on his shoulder which was playing the evil theme music. It put the stereo down and turned it off.

"You forgot your pants!" Percy said.

The Minotaur roared.

"Come on Percy!" Sally said. "I can't cross the boundary line for some reason, even though clearly May Castellan did at some point some time ago. Run!"

Percy didn't want to leave his mother, or Grover, but he noticed that the Minotaur was looking side to side, and sniffing the place, probably showing that he couldn't see well and had to rely on his sense of smell.

"That's what happens when you play using the 3-D option for too long on your Nintendo 3DS," Percy said as Grover shouted "Food! Water! Atmosphere!" in his sleep again.

"Quiet Percy!" Sally said. "Don't worry about me, only poor and innocent people die in these sorts of stories, not the rich selfish people like me. So go on!"

Sally and Percy alternated carrying Grover and distracting the Minotaur. It was working until they almost reached the tip of the hill.

"Great, we're safe now," Percy said.

And of course, that's just when it all went wrong and the Minotaur grabbed Sally Jackson, and she disappeared in a flash of sparks.

"Mom!" Percy cried out.

"Food! Water! Atmosphere!" Grover muttered, still in his sleep. The Minotaur went for Grover

Then, Percy took off his jacket, which was red, and began shaking it in front of the Minotaur.

"Here!" he shouted. "You smell! And I bet you don't floss after brushing your teeth either!"

The Minotaur howled at such an insult, and prepared to charge Percy. Percy took out all the candy he had and ate it so that the sugar would give him a boost of energy and began blabbing like crazy.

"So yeah," Percy said. "I'm standing here with a red jacket because clearly you're like a bull, even though Rick Riordan should know that bulls in reality are color blind and the whole bull-fighting thing with a red cloth has nothing to do with it being red… not to mention even if it were true the Minotaur is clearly nearly blind so…"

"Nerd," Grover muttered, still in his sleep.

The Minotaur charged, but Percy had no time to swerve out of the way so he jumped on its head, and then grabbed one of its horns.

This was bad for Percy, considering the fact that he was scared to even go on those kid's rides where you put in a quarter and the thing started moving.

Percy fell off, but eating junk food for days had increased his weight and so one horn snapped off.

The Minotaur growled, clearly displeased.

Before it could do something else, Percy tried to stab it in the ribcage, which honestly should be classified as animal cruelty, but then the Minotaur swatted the thing aside.

The Minotaur roared as it thought it was going to win.

And of course, in accordance with the laws of the universe, that's just when something fell from the sky and smacked the Minotaur right in the head, and it crumbled to dust.

 **Several Thousand Feet Above Them**

Two _Venti_ had been arguing.

"This is what you gave me for my birthday?" one of them said. "A fruitcake? Seriously, what did I ever do to you that you would give me a fruitcake! No one gives someone a fruitcake unless they hate them."

"Oh, so now it's all _my_ fault," the other one said. "What did you get me for _my_ birthday? A DVD of the last episodes of _Shaman King_! They sucked! What were you thinking?"

"I didn't watch them! I don't even watch that show, I just thought that you liked it!"

"Yeah well, the ending was horrible, and if I liked it you should've at least seen the reviews about it and not given it to me. It would have been better if I never saw the ending!"

"Who does that! I don't want to be friends with you anyway! And I don't want this stupid fruitcake anyway!" He then tossed it away.

"Yo man, I know you're angry and all, but we're several thousand feet above the ground, what if that hits someone?"

"Please, what are the odds of that happening?"

 **Meanwhile, Back At Ground Level**

Percy couldn't believe he had survived. There was also the faint smell of a fruitcake, but he couldn't care about that. He grabbed Grover, stole his wallet and put the cash in it into his pants, and then dragged himself over the hill before he collapsed from the sugar rush running out.

 **A/N: So that ends this chapter. Insane PJO LOver, yes that was Artemis, as it was mentioned in the books that he had conned someone into buying the Egyptian Pyramids, and also that his alias was Stefan Bashkir sometimes.**

 **Sorry if this chapter wasn't long enough/not up to standard. I sort of never had ideas for this chapter, and in the original version I didn't even bother as I had no ideas and so just left it. This was sort of rushed as I considered just skipping it like the original, but decided against it.**

 **Anyway, I'm really excited about writing the next few chapters, since they were the ones I had really planed for. Thanks for reading, and please review if you have thoughts you'd like to share.**


	6. Percy Meets The Cabins

**A/N: So, this is the continuation of our parody. Hopefully, you'll find these next few chapters better than the last, though from the response I'm getting the vibe that it wasn't** _ **that**_ **bad.**

Percy wasn't fully conscious. Things kept swimming in and out of his vision. He saw a blonde-haired girl who he was probably going to be shipped with for the rest of the series, as well as Mr. Brunner who looked like he wanted to draw a mustache on Percy's face.

Finally, Percy woke up. The blonde-haired girl was standing near him. Percy still had the Minotaur horn in his hand and she glanced at it.

Percy was wondering if she was going to say something about how awesome he was for killing the Minotaur (even though he didn't do it) or at least something that might get their ship going.

Instead, she said, "You drool when you sleep." **[Actual** _ **The Lightning Thief**_ **Dialogue.]** She left the room after that.

Grover came into the room, and he asked, "Hey Percy! Nice to see you're awake. By the way, do you know where the cash in my wallet went?"

Percy touched his pockets to make sure that the stolen cash was still there, and said, "It must have fallen out while we were rescuing you."

"Oh," Grover said. "Well, see, I think you need to meet someone. There's Mister Brunner here, as well as our camp director."

Percy came outside to see Mr. Brunner, but that wasn't what got his attention.

The thing was that next to Mr. Brunner was a really fat guy whose eyes were a little red, kind of like a giant fat cherub, but the thing was that he was dressed completely in tights, had a cape on, and there was a big 'D' written on his chest. His costume was a shade of baby blue, with dark green vines drawn over it, and a leopard on the back.

"Welcome, hero!" he shouted in a needlessly loud voice and stepped forward. "I should probably introduce myself. I am Dionysus, god of wine, though now I like to be more commonly known as Dionysusman, superhero to all demigods and your camp director!"

He then struck a ridiculous pose.

"Please tell me he's drunk," Percy said.

"Sorry to say this, but he's sober," Grover said. "You don't want to see him drunk."

"So, Percy," Dionysus/Dionysusman said. "I am your camp director, and I hope that you have a swellingly good time at camp. Just know that you can always contact me or Mr. Brunner, who will always be happy to help."

"Please tell me he's drunk," Percy repeated.

"Okay, Percy, he's drunk. Don't mind him," Grover said as he rolled his eyes.

"First of all though, I should probably tell you this," Dionysus said, "This might come as a bit of a shocker, but the Greek myths are real."

Percy shrugged. "I already knew that."

Everyone stared at him in amazement. How did Percy know?

 **Several Days Earlier**

Percy was chilling out in his mansion, ready to go on a trip when he noticed something sticking out of his backpack. It was a book, and since in Percy's opinion it was a cardinal sin to take books with you on summer vacation, he sensed something was fishy.

He pulled it out, and it was one of those Twilight themed diaries. He flipped it open and reading it for two seconds told him it was Grover's, as the first line was: _There haven't been any cheese enchiladas for days. I don't think I can take it much longer!_

Percy shook his head. Really? Grover not only kept a diary, but a Twilight themed one? Honestly, if Grover hadn't been the only person loser enough to become Percy's friend, he would have terminated their friendship then and there.

Instead, Percy began flipping through the pages to see if there was any useful blackmail material, but anyway Grover had labeled a section on Greek Mythology and he read it and it pretty much explained everything.

 **Now Back to the Plot**

"You read my diary!" Grover said. "How could you?"

"How could _I_?" Percy asked. "You're the one who broke my Xbox and told me Cindy Carmile did it!"

"Uhh…" Grover said, wanting to retaliate but not wanting Percy to blurt out any more information he gained from reading his diary.

"By the way though," Percy said, "There are the Greek gods, right, but not God with a capital 'G', even though Rick Riordan has made some vague allusions to it. So what do you do with campers who are deeply religious or were raised in deeply religious environments?"

Dionysus gulped, as if this was an uncomfortable topic. "We generally don't like to talk about that. And uh, I've gotta go!"

Dionysus/Dionysusman then literally flew away with his cape billowing behind him.

"What's up with him?" Percy asked.

"Oh that," Mr. Brunner said, "Well, you see one day Dionysus broke Zeus's Godzilla figurine, and so Zeus sentenced him to run Camp Half-Blood for five minutes, but then he found out he like it, and then made that costume and it all took off from there. He's one of the few people who like working here."

"If you don't like working here, why are you here?" Percy asked.

"Well, you see Percy, as you know I majored in Latin in college, and I finished my four year degree after three hundred-and-twenty years of goofing off and partying, so as you can imagine, the amount my student loans accumulated were huge. Like seriously, have you ever considered how compound interest would accumulate after hundreds of years? So, I had no chance of paying off my loans, especially as the only jobs I got were from Burger King and McDonalds flipping burgers, having majored in Latin," Mr. Brunner said. "Thankfully though, I heard of the Camp Half-Blood Student Loan Forgiveness program, so as long as I give three thousand years of service the rest will be taken care of. And oh yeah, another thing, I'm a centaur and actually Chiron from the myths."

Mr. Brunner then got up out of his wheelchair and turned into a centaur.

"But, Percy, there are two important things I have to tell you," Chiron said. "The first is that there is a power even greater than the Olympian gods whom you must beware of."

"Who?" Percy asked. "Chuck Norris? Morgan Freedman?"

"No Percy, the Censor Board," Chiron said. "They are a group of people who are meant to ensure that this fanfic remains rated K+, which if you've read any of the Greek myths, you should probably know is a really hard thing to do."

"So those were those guys censoring the naked guy back in Chapter 2?" Percy asked.

"Yes," Chiron said. "But much more important than that, we have to talk about Narnia."

"What about it?" Percy asked.

"We have to find it!" Chiron said, and for the first time he didn't look like a middle-aged man who was seriously dissatisfied with the direction his life was going in. "Think about it! It was written in the books that there are ways into it. I've been searching for years for a way to take me to Narnia, but I've so far been unsuccessful. But if you join me as well Percy, we might as well manage to find it. And then we can ditch the stupid place and live there."

Percy rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not so sure. I kind of like this place."

"Yes, you might like it now, but think about what's going to happen. You're going to end up with over ten books of heartbreak, get thrown into Tartarus, and what do you get at the end of all of this? You end up pretty much becoming a minor character in the last book, that's what. You'd be happier in Narnia. And so, I've constructed a device to help me find my way towards it."

Chiron then picked up something that looked like a cross between a battery and a hair dryer.

Honestly, Percy didn't think that the contraption looked sophisticated enough to make Pop Tarts, let alone try to track a portal to a different universe.

It started beeping. "Well then," Chiron said. "It looks like I'll be off then. Grover, show Percy around."

Once Chiron had left, Percy turned to Grover and asked, "Doesn't Narnia like, implode in the final book."

"Yeah," Grover said. "But I wouldn't tell him that. I think it's the only thing keeping him alive. Come on, Annabeth's going to do a cabin inspection anyway, so she can show you around."

"Wait," Percy said. "So you get a job which is to take me around, and the moment that Chiron leaves you go and pawn it off to someone else like I'm some sort of nuisance?"

"Percy, think carefully about your life until now," Grover said. "You _are_ a nuisance."

And so, Grover left Percy with Annabeth, who was the blonde-haired girl who had said he drooled in his sleep.

She was holding a clipboard, the modern day equivalent of a scepter, and said, "So, Percy, I think you've seen our orientation film."

"What orientation film?" Percy asked.

"Oh right, they stopped doing it after the lawsuits. Dionysus was a bit too creepy in that movie, and some of the kids ended up mentally scarred," Annabeth said. "But you do know about the Greek gods and all, right? And that all of us are demigods?"

"Yeah," Percy said.

"So," Annabeth said, "all we have to do is inspect the various cabins and give them scores depending on their hygiene. I suppose I'll also show you around, but you can probably tell everything by yourself since pretty much everything in Camp Half-Blood is a stereotype."

"Wait," Percy said. "Are you telling me that this camp is filled with demigods who are ADHD and dyslexic? How come stuff doesn't explode all the time?"

"Who says it doesn't?" Annabeth asked. Behind her, the Dionysus cabin began to emit smoke. It was easily recognizable as the Dionysus cabin as it was decorated along the same lines as Mr. D's costume.

"The Dionysus Cabin is on fire!" Percy said. "How come you're not looking behind you?"

"Because," Annabeth said as she put on a pair of sunglasses and the cabin exploded behind her, "Cool people don't look at explosions."

"Did you seriously carry around a pair of sunglasses just in case an explosion happened so you could do that?" Percy asked.

"Yes," Annabeth said. "I always carry around a pair of sunglasses in case I can do that. Percy, this is Camp Half-Blood, we get so many explosions you'd think Michael Bay was making a _Transformers_ sequel here. So I always carry a pair of sunglasses. Now come on, we have some cabins to inspect."

 **The Dionysus Cabin**

Considering the fact that the Dionysus Cabin had just exploded, Percy and Annabeth decided to go easy on them and gave them a 9/10. Plus, Annabeth mentioned that the heat from the explosion would have really killed all of the germs, so the cabin exploding was actually a plus factor in her book. Percy didn't bother pointing out that the heat would have killed the humans too.

 **The Demeter Cabin**

Both of them didn't even bother going into this cabin, and just gave it a 6 and moved on. When Percy asked if that was okay, here's what Annabeth said,

"Yes, Percy. The Demeter kids are pretty powerless anyway, and of no real use to the plot. We can skip ahead."

"Wait, so you're telling me that they don't have any cool powers like the First Hokage in Naruto, or Poison Ivy from Batman?" Percy asked.

"Nope," Annabeth answered.

"Lame," Percy said as they moved on.

 **A/N: And that ends this chapter. I'd just like to thank Wilcanwrite, geekgirl1232, and lunarchroniclesandcokatiels for their reviews and support. Geekgirl1232 yes, I will continue writing this, as I think I'm getting to the better parts now. And lunarchronclesandcockatiels, sure, you can try it and I'd like to read your work. I do write serious stories too, but somehow they're never as popular as parodies like this.**

 **As always, thanks for reading, and if you liked it, don't shy away from a review, even if it is just a few words.**

 **Also, Dionysus will get a larger role in this fanfic than in the old one, though he won't be a pirate in this one so if you were a fan of that, well, sorry!**


	7. Everything In Camp Is A Stereotype

**A/N: So last time we left off with Percy going to visit the cabins, which we'll continue with today.**

 **The Artemis Cabin**

Technically speaking, Percy wasn't allowed inside, and Annabeth really didn't want to go in either, so she just gave the cabin a 10 (no one really went in there anyway) and decided to move on.

However, they did notice Chiron walking around with his contraption. It began beeping near the Artemis cabin. He then began shouting. "It's happening! It's finally happening! NARNIA HERE I COME!"

He then ran into the Artemis cabin. He would later be found five hours later in a ditch with all of his legs and arms broken and several arrows puncturing him. Percy would be hoping he'd die, but Annabeth would tell him that he did have a contract for three thousand years, so he wasn't going to die anytime soon.

 **The Hephaestus Cabin**

"So, how is the Hephaestus Cabin like?" Percy asked as they made their way towards it.

"Well, you see, half of the cabin is part of this weird cult and are really paranoid and believe that the NSA is spying on them and using brain-wave hacker technology," Annabeth said. "And they go around and worship-"

"Foaly!" came a cry from inside the Hephaestus cabin.

Then, a bunch of campers dressed in some weird white robes marked with strange blue symbols marched out in two straight lines, and carried a statue of a centaur. The centaur looked sort of like Chiron, but his face was quite different and he was wearing a tin foil hat. As a matter of fact, all of the campers were wearing tin foil hats.

One of them, who appeared to be the leader, said, "It is time, brothers and sisters, that we proceed with our mid-day ritual." Then, he shouted, "All hail Foaly, member of the Lower Elements, and giver of the tin foil hat!"

All of them then began making some weird 'beep-boop' noises and started dancing around the statue in what seemed like a fusion of the Robot and the Worm. It was the weirdest thing Percy had seen since he had come to Camp Half-Blood, including Dionysus and Chiron.

Percy had wanted to say something, but Annabeth stopped him, saying that no one should go and disturb the Hephaestus cabin and their rituals.

Once the campers were done, Annabeth approached them. All of them then turned to her and Percy and said, all together in a rather creepy way, "Oooh! Outsiders!"

They then gathered around Percy and Annabeth. One of them tried to put a tin foil hat on Annabeth's head, but she slapped it away.

"I'm here for an inspection!" Annabeth said. "I'll be going in for a few minutes! I have to do this."

"No outsiders aloud in the cabin!" one of them said. "That's what the government wants you to think!" another added. Annabeth glared at them until they all backed away.

Annabeth then came out five minutes later and gave them a seven. The campers then took their statue and retreated inside.

"That was half of the Hephaestus cabin?" Percy asked. "Where is the other half?"

"Well, Percy, half of them are part of a really paranoid cult who think the NSA is spying on them, and the other half actually do spying for the NSA and monitor communications. But they live beneath the Hephaestus cabin in their nerd caves, so we don't really need to bother with them," Annabeth said.

 **The Hera and Zeus Cabins**

The Hera Cabin, was, as you expected, decorated with peacocks and was majestic and so clean it was revolting. Annabeth gave it a 2.5 since she was going to start a feud with Hera a few books later anyway.

But it was the Zeus Cabin that took Percy's breath away.

"Is it?" Percy asked. "Could it really be?"

"Yes, Percy," Annabeth said. "Your eyes aren't deceiving you. The Zeus Cabin is made up of Oreos."

The entire structure was made up of millions and millions of Oreos stacked on each other, with some large ones forming the door and all.

Percy's mouth began watering. "I want one!" He reached out his hand to take one before Annabeth slapped it away.

"Percy, what on earth made you think it was a good idea to take an Oreo from the Zeus Cabin?" she asked. She went inside and decided that it deserved an 8.

 **The Apollo Cabin aka The Camp-Half Blood Glee Club**

"Do we really need to go in there?" Percy asked. "Apollo isn't necessary to the plot. We could just skip it."

"Yes, but he might be making a surprise appearance later on," Annabeth said. "So we have to go in there. Now, Percy, there are several general things that you should know about Camp Half-Blood. First of all, never, and I mean never, mention the ending of _Shaman King_. Or _Shaman King_ at all. Secondly, never put up the question as to who was the better wizard, Dumbledore or Gandalf. Thirdly, never ask which is better: Magic the Gathering, or Yu-Gi-Oh! Understood? Because there have literally been civil wars fought over these questions."

Percy nodded. Annabeth edged closer and whispered, "And most important of all, never say the words, 'Babbage Canard was a very good boy.'"

"Why would saying Babbage Canard-"

Annabeth immediately kicked Percy. "I just whispered that for a reason! Don't ask me why, just never say it! And those are things that you need to remember _in general_. When dealing with the Apollo cabin, remember to also never mention _Glee_ , _Pretty Rhythm: Rainbow_ _Live_ , _Pretty Rhythm: Dear My Future_ , or any of the seasons of _Pretty Rhythm_ or they'll start singing." She stared at Percy with a crazed look in her eye. "And you won't like that."

Annabeth then told Percy that the Apollo cabin was hopelessly useless and would have probably been called the most useless cabin in camp if that title wasn't permanently reserved for the Demeter Cabin.

Sure, they were good at medicine somewhat, but all they could really do was put on band-aids. You got a fever, you get a band-aid. You got a cold, you get a band-aid. You have Atlantis Complex, you get a band-aid. And the less said about their singing and poetry skills, the better. And regarding their prophecy skills, well, several deaths had been caused at Camp Half-Blood due to an Apollo camper seeing half of what was going to happen in the future.

Thankfully, the inspection went without anything unusual happening, though one of the Apollo campers noticed the fact that Percy was carrying the Minotaur horn, and was about to make a poem about how Percy had killed the Minotaur.

Percy was honestly hopeful about having someone composing a poem about him, but Annabeth tazered the guy before he could get out a single word.

 **The Poseidon Cabin**

"Whoa," Percy said. "This place looks cool. Can I have this as my cabin?" **[Epic Foreshadowing.]**

"No," Annabeth said. "Unless you're a child of Poseidon, which you can't be since the whole oath those guys took…" She trailed off as if she had remembered something.

"What?" Percy asked.

"Nothing," Annabeth replied. She gave the place a seven since Athena was Poseidon's rival, and because she apparently gave all of her scores arbitrarily depending on how much she like the god in question, and they moved on.

 **The Aphrodite Cabin**

The Aphrodite Cabin was as you'd imagine it, because pretty much everything in Camp-Half Blood was a stereotype.

"Now be very careful Percy," Annabeth said. "The campers might get really excited when they see-"

"OMG IT'S PERCABETH!" a voice shouted from inside the cabin. Then, a bunch of Aphrodite campers came out.

"Run!" Annabeth shouted and the two of them began running.

"I don't get it!" Percy said. "They're the Aphrodite cabin and most of them are wearing high heels! How are they gaining on us?"

"Come on Percy," Annabeth said. "This is we're talking about. This place gave birth to things as ridiculous as Pothena and Pertemis. Do you honestly think having the Aphrodite cabin gaining on us is in any way more ridiculous than anything that's already on here?"

"Come back!" one of them shouted. "Percabeth is my OTP! I ship it three-hundred and fifty-nine days a year!"

"I feel strangely compelled to ask what you ship the other days?" Percy shouted behind him.

"My second favorite ship!"

"And what's that?"

"Jason and the brick!"

"Run faster!" Percy said. There were several things wrong with that, not only the obvious fact that they preferred to ship Jason with an inanimate object rather than with Piper, but also how they even knew about Jason when Camp Jupiter was supposed to be a secret.

Percy and Annabeth eventually outran all of them, and the Aphrodite cabin got a zero for that inspection.

 **The Athena Cabin**

"Okay, Percy, some guidelines here," Annabeth said. "We at the Athena Cabin believe in maintaining a proper hygiene. Some people may call us OCD and germaphobes, but we just think maintaining a healthy fear of germs is good."

"Uh, right," Percy said. "But then how do you go outside? Or on quests? I mean, there are germs everywhere right, on you, in the air, in the soil, on paper and on-"

Percy stopped talking as Annabeth had started fidgeting uncontrollably. She looked like she was having a panic attack. She took out a paper bag and started breathing in it.

After five minutes, she turned to Percy and said, "Don't _ever_ say something like that. We have enough trouble as it is going outside with all the…" She didn't say anything, but shuddered. "Happy thoughts, happy thoughts…"

"Okay," Annabeth said. "I have your medical history here, and though you've had most of your vaccines, I'm going to have to give you around eight more if you want to come in. After that, you have to be showered properly, disinfected, and perhaps given a colonoscopy. Or you could choose to stay outside."

Percy had several questions, foremost of all regarding how Annabeth had gotten his medical records since that was supposed to be private stuff, and more importantly why she had been carrying it around with her. But, he just said, "Nah, I'm good."

Annabeth came out five minutes later and said that her cabin was getting a ten. Percy would have accused her of blatant favoritism, but the thing was that he had never been inside so he couldn't, plus the Athena Cabin _did_ look clean.

 **The Ares Cabin**

As you can imagine, Percy and Annabeth approached the Ares Cabin apprehensively, because they knew how the campers would be like, as pretty much everything in Camp-Half Blood was a stereotype.

"Why don't we just skip them?" Percy asked. "Let's just give them a minus two and move on. We did it with the Demeter Cabin."

"Yes, but the Ares Cabin is actually important to the plot," Annabeth said. "So we have to go in there."

"Yeah, but aren't the people there really smelly?" Percy asked. "And I bet they're all ugly and stuff and, and, why are you looking at me like that? Are they standing behind me or something?"

Percy nervously turned around to see that the Ares Cabin had anticipated them coming and had managed to sneak up behind them. He gulped.

Clarisse, easily recognizable as the meanest of them, then grabbed Percy's hair. Percy tried freeing himself, but it just wouldn't work.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'We know what's going to happen. Clarisse is going to dump Percy's head in a toilet. Where's the originality in this fanfic?'

But no, you see, Clarisse had planned to dump Percy's head in the normal _public_ toilets in the original book. But in this case, she was going to dump Percy's head in the toilet in the Ares Cabin bathroom. Yes, the bathroom reserved for the Ares Cabin.

I think you can already see where this is going.

The less said about the bathroom the better, as you can probably already imagine how it would be like considering no one ever cleaned it.

As Percy's head was about to enter the water though, he felt a tugging in his stomach, and then water (and other stuff) began flying and hit Clarisse and the other Ares Cabin campers. In the end, he was the only one dry. Even Annabeth was soaked.

Annabeth took one good look at the stuff covering her.

 **Meanwhile, On Olympus**

Zeus was considerably angry about his Master Bolt being stolen, but thankfully, now it was his favorite time of the day: Oreo Time!

And so, the Lord of Thunder and Lightning took out a glass of milk and a plate of Oreos, ready to enjoy himself.

Just then though, the most inhuman scream reached him. It sounded sort of like Athena, but not as loud, but it was still loud and high enough that his glass of milk shattered and the milk spilt all over him.

And so, Zeus was left looking at his shattered glass of milk, accidentally dropped an Oreo, and was left wondering why bad things happened to good people.

 **And Now Back to the Plot**

Annabeth's scream had totaled the Ares Cabin, and there was not a single window left in Camp Half-Blood.

Annabeth was saying something, but Percy couldn't hear it. The sonic blast sort of affected his hearing.

"WHAT?" Percy asked. "I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! I CAN'T HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING! AM I NOT SPEAKING LOUD ENOUGH?"

An hour later, Annabeth had gotten rid of the _stuff_ , and Percy's hearing had returned to normal, so they left, and gave the Ares Cabin a minus million for their score.

 **The Hermes Cabin**

"This is where you'll be staying," Annabeth said. "It's called the Hermes cabin, also known as the Hufflepuff House of Camp-Half Blood, or The Loser Cabin, because not only do we put everyone who doesn't belong in there, but the Hermes children themselves."

There were a bunch of lost-looking kids overcrowded in a single cabin. A really nice looking dude came up to them and introduced himself to Percy as Luke Skywalker.

"Why are you wearing a 'I'm the Lightning Thief' t-shirt?" Percy asked.

Luke took that shirt off, but he was wearing a 'Free Lord Kronos' shirt under it, and he couldn't take that off and be going around without a shirt, so he just said that he had nothing else to wear.

"So anyway, you'll be with us until someone claims you," Luke said. "If someone claims you. And if you're claimed by a minor god or goddess, you'll be forced to stay here like some nobody."

"Doesn't that really piss people off?" Percy asked.

"Yeah," Luke said. "Tell me about it."

 **Several Days Earlier**

A camper had arrived quite recently into Camp Half-Blood. Luke approached the kid and asked, "Hey kid! Would you like to join Kronos and help us overthrow the Olympian gods?"

"No," the kid replied. "I don't want to. Who would?"

Luke left; disappointed, and then Chiron approached him.

"So, what can you do?" Chiron asked.

"Well, I've been able to do magic stuff and cast really cool spells," the kid said. "Does that mean I'm special?"

"Yes, you're clearly a child of Hecate," Chiron said. "But since Zeus doesn't think that you're important, you're going to end up in the Hermes Cabin with the other losers and forced to live your life as a second-class citizen here in Camp Half-Blood."

"That stinks," the kid said as Chiron left. "Where's that Luke guy?"

Luke appeared holding up a sign-up sheet. "Just put your name here and you can join us!"

The kid grumpily signed up his name. "By the way, you guys are attacking the Olympian gods, right? Do you even have the slightest idea about what you're doing?"

"Sure I do," Luke said. "I've seen _Olympus Has Fallen_ five times."

"That movie had nothing to do with taking down Olympus."

"Seriously?" Luke asked, surprised.

 **End Flashback**

"So, you'll be staying here until you're claimed," Luke said.

"But I don't want to be in the loser cabin," Percy whined. "Can't I go in any of the other cabins? They're all empty and stuff, and I could go into the Artemis Cabin. It'd give the Pertemis shippers something to be happy about."

"No," Annabeth said. "Now come on, our inspection is over."

The Hermes cabin deserved a 3.5 at most, but Annabeth gave it an eight since she had a crush on Luke.

And so, Percy and Annabeth delivered their report to the Big House.

"What took you so long?" Grover asked as he took the report.

"It took time to visit all the cabins," Annabeth said.

"Really?" Grover asked, surprised. "You're trying to tell me that you guys _actually_ inspected the cabins? Come on, the other counselors usually just make the numbers up and hand it in. I, for one, use a dice."

There were several questions that could have been asked in response to that, but Percy said, "How do you give a score between zero and ten using a dice?"

"I use one of the ten-sided ones from Dungeons and Dragons," Grover explained.

"Oh," Percy said.

 **A/N: And that ends the chapter. Thanks lunarchroniclesandcockatiels for the review, and no problem** **. Thanks for reading, and as always, I'd appreciate a few reviews telling me what was funniest or if you liked it or not.**

 **Also, I realize that Percy and Annabeth visited the cabins completely out of order, but this is a parody, so, oh well.**


	8. Percy is Batman

**A/N: The Richmaster, yes, this is sort of Percy Jackson the Abridged Books. I would've even renamed the fanfic that, but this seemed more straightforward. Would a renaming at this point be justified?**

 **Also, if anyone was disappointed about Dionysus not being a pirate, reasons are almost the same for why Grover isn't French.**

Percy spent the next few days training with Luke.

The first thing that Percy noticed was that Luke seemed really into video games. He even seemed to explain everything around camp in terms of being a video game.

For example, when asked to climb the huge wall which crashed together and filled up with lava if you didn't get to the top quickly enough, Percy asked if Luke knew what he was doing climbing the thing, to which Luke replied, "Of course Percy, I've played _Assassin's Creed_ for hours, I know how to climb a wall."

Then, when they had all been assigned duties and the two of them were picking strawberries, Percy noticed one that was yellow and thought it was poisoned and pointed it out to Luke who said, "It's a Shiny, Percy! Catch it quick!" Luke then nearly trampled Percy to get it.

However, none of this really compared to the fencing lesson that Percy got. Technically speaking, it was fencing practicing for the whole Hermes cabin, but nobody really wanted to be around with Percy so the entire cabin ditched class so there was only Luke and Percy one-on-one.

Percy was used to this though from the rest of his life and decided not to bother about it.

"So Percy," Luke said, "there are essentially only three materials in the world which are able to hurt monsters. They include plastic, Styrofoam, and cardboard, so we'll be practicing with toy plastic lightsabers today."

Luke handed him a toy lightsaber. Percy hit himself trying to take it out, which should give you an idea about his hand-eye coordination.

"So, come on at me," Luke said.

"Aren't you going to show me some moves first?"

"Nah. I've played _The Legend of Zelda_ games loads of times, and there are really only like five moves you can do with a sword."

"You do realize that that's a video game, right?"

"So?"

"Well, it's not real life!" Percy said. Luke's eyebrows rose, as if he had just realized this for the first time in his life.

"But Percy," Luke said, "Camp Half-Blood _is_ like a video game. Think about it. We're essentially teenagers who try to save people, we kill monsters but they always come back or respawn, and we can even go on quests."

"That's still not very convincing though…"

"Sure it is. Monsters even drop items or spoils of war when they die," Luke said.

It was Percy's turn to go blank with shock. "This is just like a video game…"

"Right," Luke said. "But now that you did mention it, we should probably have you trained a bit first." Luke took out a blindfold. "You have to wear this while I throw ping pong balls at you. You have to try to deflect them with your lightsaber. It will help you become one with the Force."

Percy was really excited to try this out, but as we all know, there's nothing know as the Force in the PJO universe, and this was all really just a cruel practical joke by Luke. Pretty much all of Camp Half-Blood gathered around Percy to see Luke pelt him with the ping pong balls while saying, "Trust your instinct! Trust it!" while Percy couldn't deflect a single one.

This was recorded and uploaded to Youtube where it got over five million hits in under an hour.

After that, Percy left his lessons to go back to the Hermes cabin. The Hermes cabin was essentially divided into two castes: the normal Hermes children who were really happy, and the unclaimed people who were really sad and Emo because they hadn't been claimed yet.

They were still higher in the Camp Half-Blood social scale than Percy. Then again, the ants crawling in the dirt were higher in the Camp Half-Blood social scale than Percy, so that's not really saying something.

No one really wanted to talk to Percy for the next week as he took his classes. Annabeth decided to try to get Percy to read the original _Iliad_ when Percy took a look at the manuscript and said, "I can't read it. It's all Greek to me."

Annabeth just stared at him oddly.

Percy tried foot racing, but even the tree Nymphs were faster than him. It is quite humiliating when you can't outrun a tree, but Percy was humiliated more than that every day so it didn't faze him.

He then tried archery, where he fired an arrow into Chiron's behind. He was sure that that would make him upset but instead Chiron smiled, and told Percy that this meant that he had been injured on the job and could so take a six months leave of paid vacation while he recovered.

Percy tried training with Luke too, and Luke taught him all he knew. So, it should tell you about all that Luke knew when even Percy got hang of all of it within three days.

 ***montage of shots of Percy training with Luke as** _ **You're The Best**_ **plays in the background***

Both Percy and Luke were sweating heavily. "Wow," Percy said. "That was intense."

"I know, I'm completely puckered out," Luke replied. He glanced at his watch. "I mean, we were training for a whole three minutes!"

Percy left and then saw Grover approaching him.

"Uh, I've kind of been exiled," Grover said.

"For failing to protect my mother?"

"Nah, it's because I've been with you too much and so no one wants to be around me," Grover said.

"Welcome to the club."

"Hey, hey, I'm not as uncool as you yet."

Grover and Percy then decided to take some time to talk about things like the cabins.

"Which cabin do you think I'll belong to?" Percy asked. No one was really sure about Percy. He was bad at everything, and pretty much useless, so they would've written him off to the Demeter Cabin if it weren't for the fact that plants had the same feelings about Percy that most people had about him.

"So, what's the deal with the empty cabins?" Percy asked.

"Well, Artemis and Hera don't have any kids for reasons that should be blatantly obvious," Grover said. "As for Poseidon and Zeus, they swore a pact after World War II, which apparently they also caused, but Zeus fell in love with an Oreos Saleswoman, and then they had a kid."

"But… didn't he swear and all?" Percy asked.

"The gods don't really keep their promises," Grover said. "And Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades did a pinky swear anyway, so Zeus got off easy, but it was horrible for the child, who was named Thalia."

Hades got real mad that Zeus had broken the sacrosanct pinky swear, so he did the only thing that was logical: he sent a huge army of monsters after the innocent child to get revenge for her father's sins."

So, a satyr was assigned to protect her, and she along with some of her other friends finally managed to reach this Hill. Then, the satyr in question forgot his Iphone in the car, and went back to get it. This delayed them long enough for the monsters to catch up to them."

"The satyr sounds like a real idiot," Percy said. He couldn't understand why Grover looked at him like he'd insulted him.

"Well, Percy, it was a brand new Iphone and the satyr still had like five installments left on the thing."

"How do you know that?"

"Doesn't matter. So anyway, Thalia decided to sacrifice herself and take on the entire army of monsters herself, and then she died. She was a real fan of Harry Potter, so Zeus decided to resurrect her as a tree next to that huge statue of Severus Snape."

"As the main character-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Percy, you just can't go around breaking the Fourth Wall like that. You see, normal mortals can't see past the Fourth Wall, but we can. As main character, you get to do it more often than normal people, but if you do it too much then the entire fabric of this fanfic will collapse."

"That sounds like it'll come in handy sometime. But I wanted to ask you if you think that I belong to one of the special cabins."

"You're probably a child of Hermes. Or maybe even one of the minor gods, like Nemesis, the god of revenge. Don't worry, okay?" **[Actual** _ **The Lightning Thief**_ **Dialogue.]**

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Percy said. "First of all, Nemesis is a _goddess_ , right, and you've been raised in the Greek myths so you should really know that. Second of all, how does that mean I could be one of her sons since you personally met my mom and that means that my godly parent was a man? And people think that _I'm_ stupid."

Percy then walked away.

And so, the day for capture the flag came.

Capture the flag was when the camp split into two groups, with Athena and Ares leading the two. Hermes and Apollo were with Athena, and the rest with Ares.

Luke was explaining stuff to Percy.

"Now, remember Percy," he said, "we play capture the flag while wearing costumes, so that it is kind of like Halloween. The costume you pick is almost as important as your weapon."

Percy decided to dress up as Batman, with all the accessories like Batarangs and all.

Luke was dressed up in a weird yellow outfit with the front mask of what looked like a dog. "Who are you?"

"I'm Dingoman," Luke said.

"Is… is… is that even a real superhero?"

"Sure," Luke said. "If you watch Jimmy Neutron. The thing is, you have to be really careful about what you pick. You're Batman, so that should be good for camouflage in the dark. I dressed up as Justin Bieber once, and got beat up because of it."

"The enemy team beat you up just because you were dressed up as Justin Bieber?"

"No, _my own teammates_ beat me up. I should've seen it coming."

"Then why did you still dress up as him?"

"You wouldn't understand Percy, because you're not a Belieber."

Before the games began though, the Camp Half-Blood national anthem started. What would an institute like Camp Half-Blood have as its national anthem? Five minutes of fart noises.

This was due to a contest to design the anthem fifty years ago, and not only was it sad that the Hermes cabin decided to submit five minutes of fart noises, even sadder was the fact that they won. So, Luke and Percy were forced to try to stand respectfully with straight faces to five minutes of fart noises.

Luke walked away, and then Chiron (who was really ticked off that his vacation hadn't been granted) walked in and announced that the games were on. "Remember, the flags must be clearly visible, can have only two sentries, and the creek is the middle line. All magical items except for the Seven Keys are allowed. Foul play is expected. The Censor Board has forbidden killing or maiming. Anyone attempting to do so will be censored and will live the rest of their lives as an unnamed minor character."

A conch blew, and the games began. Annabeth told Percy that he should guard the creek and try not to get killed.

Percy wasn't sure what Annabeth was dressed up as, since she kind of looked like a cross between Strawberry Shortcake, Princess Eirika from _Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones_ , and that girl from _Reign_ whose name nobody remembers.

Percy decided not to say this though, making what is perhaps the first wise decision he had taken in this whole fanfic.

Percy was whistling to himself as no one had come his way, but he felt that someone was watching him.

"My spider senses are tingling," Percy said stupidly as he was wearing a Batman costume. Someone tackled him from behind.

Percy turned to see the entire Ares cabin glaring at him. Clarisse pointed a spear at his chest.

Percy gulped. Then, he asked, "What are you guys supposed to be dressed up as?"

"Isn't it obvious, punk?" Clarisse asked.

Percy frowned. Clarisse and her teammates mostly had some sort of green paint sprayed on them haphazardly.

"Are you those toy soldier from Toy Story?"

"We're the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," Clarisse spat out.

"Uh, you guys don't have shells." Percy said.

"How were we supposed to fight with shells on our back?" Clarisse retorted. "Now, what to do with you?"

"No killing or maiming," Percy said nervously as one of the other people put a spear point near his jugular artery.

"Oh yeah," the guy said, "what's going to happen? I'll become a minor character? Dude, I'm already pretty much never mentioned in the books at all. Did Rick Riordan ever tell you that I wanted to open a petting zoo when I grew up? Of course he didn't. He didn't even thing that I needed a name and just called me Ugly Number Three."

"Yeah," Percy said. "You guys really are kind of unimportant, like cockroaches or something. And I apologize to one of the good and important cockroaches, Jiminy the Cricket, while saying so." He paused thoughtfully. "Though for the first time in many years it occurs to me that he might not be a cockroach, but a cricket."

"Of course he's a cricket you moron!" Clarisse said. "Now, I'm going to kill you!"

"Really?" Percy asked. "That's your killing phrase?"

"We're not really much of artists," Clarisse answered. "You should have seen what we did on poetry night."

 **Poetry Night**

The only cabins that had shown up were the Apollo and Ares cabin. The Athena cabin was busy disinfecting their cabin, and the rest didn't care about poetry. The Apollo cabin gave their poems, and then Clarisse gave hers, which went like this:

 _My teacher said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _My mother said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _My friend said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _Even Dionysus said I couldn't write a poem,_

 _So I wrote this just to show 'em._

"That's not a real poem!" Will Solace interjected. "She rhymed 'poem' with 'poem' four times, and it sounds like it was plagiarized off a future demigod's school assignment!"

"You were saying something, punk?" Clarisse asked as the rest of the Ares cabin glared at Will Solace. Will gulped.

"I meant to say that all of us are withdrawing!" he said nervously.

And that's how the Ares cabin won poetry night.

 **Back To Our Scene**

As Clarisse raised her spear though, some ringing sound came.

"Oh, that's my phone," Percy said.

"You're supposed to switch it off _before_ the match!" Clarisse said.

"Right," Percy said as he freed himself and took out his phone. He had three notifications:

 _Zeus has sent you a friend request._

Percy's eyes widened and he rejected the request. You see, Zeus had no friends on Facebook. At all. Well, he had one named Bob, but that was just one of his shell accounts. Zeus sent friend requests to everyone, but no one accepted them, not his children, not his brothers, not even Hera, and for that matter not his mom Rhea either, which was kind of sad.

Wouldn't Zeus be angry and punish people who rejected one of his friend requests, you ask? Well, the thing is that nothing that Zeus could do could possibly be worse than being Facebook friends with him.

 _Luke Castellan has updated his profile picture._

Percy frowned. The photo showed Luke standing near a huge throne with what looked like two giants who had been tagged 'Posydin' and 'Zeus' while Luke held up a meter long rod that seemed to crackle with electricity. He also had a small dark helmet slung on his shoulder.

Percy shook his head; didn't Luke have anything better to do than update his profile picture in the middle of a war game?

 _Poseidon has added you as his son._

Percy blinked for a few moments as the words became clearer to him. This meant… that he was a son of Poseidon?

"Hey punk," Clarisse said. "Are you done checking your phone?" For some reason the Ares cabin had let Percy check his phone and stood by the side as he did so.

"Yeah," Percy said. "I'm a son of Poseidon. That means I'm also a son of Santa Claus. If you kill me, you'll get coal for Christmas forever."

Clarisse shrugged. "Nothing new."

"Guess we'll have to settle this the hard way then," Percy said. "Avengers! Assemble!"

"Okay, first of all," Clarisse said. "That line and the spider sense line reference Marvel, and you're not even dressed up as someone from that universe."

Clarisse jabbed at Percy with her spear, which she called Pikachu, and it sent a jolt through Percy. Percy touched the place where it had scratched him on the cheek.

"Wanna know how I got these scars?" Percy asked.

"Okay, that's actually from a Batman movie, but the Joker says that, and that's not really a scar, note that I say scar and not _scars_ since there's only one scratch, and even if it was a scar, I'm the one who gave you it," Clarisse said.

Just then, Percy smacked his sword against her spear and broke it. As Clarisse said, "Pikachu! No! I chose you," a bunch of garden gnomes came out of the woods and started beating up the Ares cabin kids.

"Where did these guys come from?" Clarisse asked.

 **Several Hours Earlier**

Argus was driving a minivan into Camp Half-Blood, filled with supplies, when he suddenly noticed something on the road.

'Is that a camper?' Argus wondered and stopped the car. Just then, he felt something strike the side of the car.

The camper who had been lying down jumped up and revealed herself to be Clarisse. "Come one guys! Let's do some cow-tipping!"

Argus groaned. There were no cows in Camp Half-Blood, but Argus had been made by Hera, goddess of cows, so people generally figured tipping his minivan was the same thing.

"Hey! There's fragile stuff in here!" Argus shouted as the minivan groaned, remained suspended for a while, and then tipped over. There was the noise of something breaking. The minivan had been carrying garden gnomes straight from the North Pole.

"You rotten kids!" Argus shouted and shook his fist. "These garden gnomes will come back to get you one day!"

"Yeah right!" Clarisse shouted back.

 **And Now Back to the Present**

"Come on!" one of the garden gnomes said. "Let us take revenge for our shattered brethren!"

"Yes! Creature of Christmas unite!" Percy said.

While the garden gnomes were beating up the Ares cabin to a pulp, Luke managed to hop- or jump, or some other motion that Percy guessed was done by a dingo- across the creek with the Ares banner in his hand.

Annabeth appeared next to Percy.

"You can be invisible?" Percy asked.

"Yup," Annabeth answered. "And it looks like my plan worked."

"You used me as bait," Percy complained. "But you were always there to step in if things got bad, right?"

"Hate to break this to you Percy, but even I was kind of hoping you'd die."

Incidentally, if you're wondering, the Ares banner had been bought on Ebay, except for the fact that someone had written 'Aries' instead and what they got was a horoscope sort of flag.

"Okay, Athena team wins," Chiron said.

"And I'm a son of Poseidon," Percy said.

"Really?" Chiron sighed. "What has our time come to when you can't even trust pink swears?"

Just then, something howled and everyone turned around to see an enormous hellhound.

It leaped towards the crowd. Chiron shouted, "Not me! Take the boy! He's tastier!"

He didn't need to, as it went for Percy anyway.

Percy waited for the campers to do something, but the thing was that the campers were rooting for the hellhound.

However, Percy pulled out a Batarang that hit the hellhound, and it dissipated.

"Well," Chiron said, "I guess we need to go the Big House so I can explain things about the plot."

"I get it," Percy said. "To the Batcave!"

"Really?" Chiron asked. "So now you choose to say something that fits your costume?"

 **A/N: And so this ends. Lunarchroniclesandcockatiels, thanks for the review.**

 **I hoped you like this chapter, this is one of the ones that I had really planned out, I had ideas for this before I wrote the first one. I hoped you found it to be one of the funnier ones. Also, reviews will be a bit more sporadic from now on.**

 **Thanks for reading, and I do appreciate reviews.**


	9. Percy Gets A Quest

**A/N: So now, we see Percy going to the Big House so that the plot actually starts. I'm still having trouble believing that we're already several times longer than the original version of this, and we haven't even really gotten started yet.**

At the Big House, Percy, Annabeth, and Grover were gathered as Dionysus and Chiron explained stuff to them.

"You see, I have bad news," Chiron said. "It turns out that during the Winter Solstice, a very important plot device had been stolen from Zeus. Zeus believes that Poseidon did it for reasons not properly explained during the prologue, or the original book, for that matter."

"Can we stop calling it plot device and call it the Master Bolt already?" Annabeth said.

"Sure, if you want to be bo-ring," Chiron said. "So, Zeus has sent us a letter saying that if Poseidon doesn't return the Master Bolt by the time Sozin's Comet crosses the earth, he will go ahead and declare war and destroy Camp Half-Blood. So, the Master Bolt, has been stolen, but the real question is by who?"

"Don't you mean by _whom_?" Percy asked.

"Don't be a nerd, Percy," Chiron said.

"Who on earth could possibly steal the Master Bolt?" Annabeth asked.

All of them then began frowning and looking for an answer to this question.

Outside, Conner and Travis Stoll were there talking about stuff they had managed to pilfer from their fellow cabin-mates and began talking loudly enough for everyone inside to hear.

"Hey look, I think this is Luke's wallet," Conner said.

"Yeah, and there's this weird scythe in it," Travis said. "And a list that says 'Things To Do After Stealing Master Bolt.'"

"I can't think of anything," Chiron pouted inside. He then got up, opened the window, and shouted at the Stolls, "Hey! Stop talking so loudly about things that are completely irrelevant to the important thing that we're discussing now!"

Once they were gone, Percy said, "I can't think of anything at all."

"That said, we need to think about what needs to be done," Dionysus said. "We have to issue a quest to get the Bolt back."

"And of course, you need me to lead it," Percy said. "Okay, I accept."

Chiron snorted. "Don't be ridiculous Percy. We certainly don't need your help in anything. No one would ever look up to you as a leader."

 **Forty Years Into the Future**

A woman holding a mike with dark brown hair was speaking rapidly at the camera in front of her.

"Good evening, everyone, this is Unsup-, I mean, Susan Rella here at the White House, where Percy Jackson, recently elected as the 48th President of the United States of America is going to give one of his first speeches as president- look! There he is now!"

The camera changed to show a much older Percy Jackson as he stepped up to a podium and said, "Thank you all for being here. I would just like to say that as my first act of being president, I would like to change the national bird of America to the penguin instead of the eagle."

Susan looked into the camera, confused. "He does realize he can't do that, right?"

 **Back to the Plot**

"I like penguins," Percy said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Grover asked.

Dionysus cleared his throat. "Now, let us do remember that Percy is a child of the Sea God, so I have the perfect plan to save us. First of all, I'll turn Percy into a dolphin."

Chiron face-palmed. "Gods, not this again."

"And after I turn Percy into a dolphin," Dionysus said, "Percy will swim all the way to Bikini Bottom, where he'll find Spongebob and all of its other residents. Being a child of Poseidon, they'll be obliged to help him with this problem, _and_ we may finally get a Spongebob Squarepants movie that isn't an insult to the Spongebob fandom."

Annabeth and Grover stared at him like he was crazy, while Percy said, "That's a great idea!"

"That isn't going to be happening," Chiron said. "And as I said before, we're going to have to issue a quest."

At that very moment, the door to the Big House slammed open as Luke came in and said, "Did someone say quest?"

"Were you standing outside spying on us?" Percy asked. No one paid him any attention.

"See, the thing is guys," Luke said, "if you're going to try and get anyone to go on a quest to save Camp Half-Blood, it should be me. Not this guy," he added, pointing his thumb at Percy.

"We can't do that," Dionysus protested. "This is clearly supposed to be Percy's quest."

"Wait, wait," Chiron said. "Let him make his case."

"Yeah," Grover said. "I think Luke would be way better." Annabeth nodded.

"So?" Percy asked. "The book is called _Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief_ so I should be the one to go on a quest."

Luke shook his head. "Percy, this is a parody. Since when have we cared what's supposed to happen?"

"Yeah?" Percy asked. "Well things could get ugly on this quest. What are you going to do then?"

"I think I can handle ugly," Luke said. "I've been hanging around with you for the past few days, haven't I?"

"Sweet burn man!" Grover said and high-fived Luke.

"Yeah? But how tough are you?" Percy asked.

Luke glared at him. "You're asking _me_ how tough I am? I'll have you know that my starter Pokemon once fainted in a Nuzlocke run, and I only cried for fifteen minutes."

"So?" Percy said, even though inwardly he was thinking, 'Oh noes! Only fifteen minutes! If it had been me I would've definitely been going on for hours and maybe even ragequit! Luke is clearly out of my league!'

"Quiet, you," Dionysus said. "Mr. Castellan, I admire your concern, but Percy must lead this quest. After all, it is his father being accused, and he was claimed this very night. I believe that everything is happening for a reason."

"Sure John," Chiron said. "But I think that we're forgetting that just because Percy has managed to master a rudimentary form of communication and has somehow managed to learn how to feed himself, it doesn't mean that he's ready for a quest. For example, Percy, what is this?"

Chiron handed Percy a sheet of paper.

Percy squinted at the paper. "It's some kind of Elvish. I can't read it," he said.

"That' s a third grade Maths test," Chiron said.

"So?" Percy asked. "I may not be the hero that Camp Half-Blood deserves, but I am the one that it needs."

"Uh, no," Chiron said. "Percy, you're a total bumbling idiot who shouldn't be in charge of a minivan, let alone a quest of this magnitude, so you are not the hero that we need. For that matter though, I really hate this entire place, and I do agree that you are the hero that it deserves."

"Calm down, everyone," Dionysus said cheerfully. "What you all should do first is tell me the qualities that you have that would make you useful on this quest."

"I'm a daughter of Wisdom, I'm amazing with a knife, and I have encyclopedic knowledge about all the Greek myths," Annabeth said.

"I'm a Satyr, I can use my pipe to turn weapons into trees, I'm one with nature, and I can also talk to and ask animals for help," Grover said.

"I'm a son of Hermes, and I can pick any lock, and I'm also the best swordsmen this camp has seen in the last hundred years," Luke said.

"I'm Batman," Percy said.

Chiron groaned. "Percy, why are you the only one in here besides Dionysus who's still wearing a costume? Why didn't you change like the others? And speaking of costumes, what were you supposed to be dressed up as, Annabeth?"

"That doesn't matter," Dionysus said. "I have decided that Percy, Annabeth, and Grover will be leading the quest."

"What?" Grover asked. "But I don't want to go and risk my neck and all! And certainly not with _Percy_. I'm already unpopular enough as it is."

"Wait," Chiron said. "Allow me to first ask Percy a question to check his readiness for this quest."

Chiron cleared his throat. "So, a man walks up to a sorcerous set of pipes which are governed by Lady Falmouth's laws of Incipient Sorcery, with the first pipe assumed as being the variable x, and being able to obstruct it to give it any value between 1 and 546. The second pipe though, would decrease according the this value with respect to the first pipe as negative three x squared. The third pipe as positive x cubed, and the fourth pipe as e to the power of x. This man in question wishes to maximize the pipe's output when he wants to, and also to minimize it as well. Assuming that it is a Friday night, and a pumpkin moon is currently overhead, and given that he is currently using a Fairywood wand, how would he go about doing so?"

"Tl;dr," Percy said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chiron asked.

"It means, 'Too long; didn't read,'" Dionysus explained. "And I don't blame him for that. Instead, _I'll_ ask him a question and see if he can answer it. So, Percy, tell me, what was Achilles' weakness?"

Percy's eyes widened.

 **Several Months Earlier**

"Okay, kids, listen up," Mr. Brunner said as he addressed the class. "Today I actually bothered to read up on what I'm teaching, so it is going to be absolutely correct for once. We're going to be talking about Achilles."

"Psst," Grover said to Percy. "There's only ten minutes to lunch. Let's sneak out, the cheese enchiladas are there today, and I don't want to miss them."

"But I don't wanna miss this," Percy said.

Grover rolled his eyes. "Come on now, when are you ever going to need to know about Achilles in real life? When is this possibly going to be useful?"

"Alright then," Percy said. The two of them then snuck out.

 **Back to the Present**

Percy made a mental note to kick Grover, and said, "Um… he was scared of cats?"

Dionysus shook his head. "Wrong answer, Percy, but you tried, and that's the most important thing, and I believe that everything is happening for a reason. So I'm giving you this quest. Talk to the Oracle next morning."

Everyone else protested, but there was no more reasoning with Dionysus now.

* * *

The next day, Percy had to move into the Poseidon Cabin. He was told there was an awesome part at the Hermes Cabin to celebrate the fact that he was leaving, and he was now left all alone, but he was used to it.

The next morning, he was sure that he would now be one of Camp Half-Blood's most popular people, being in charge of the quest and all, and also because he was the lone child of the Big Three.

Luke came up to him next morning and showed him the list of Camp Half-Blood's most popular people. Luke was at the top, of course, and he showed Percy the bottom:

 _345\. Grover_

 _346\. Unsuperior Susan_

 _347\. Dionysus_

 _348\. Chiron_

 _349\. Percy_

"What?" Percy asked. "How am I behind both Chiron AND Dionysus? And what kind of a name is 'Unsuperior Susan?' Is Unsuperior even a real word?"

"I don't know Percy," Luke said. "But I heard that she wants to become a journalist when she grows up."

 **A/N: Thank you, lunarchroniclesandcockatiels for your review. And The RIchmaster, thank you, and while I might not be doing more of Percy as Batman, or don't plan to at the moment, I might be able to squeeze in some lines now that you've mentioned it.**

 **Also, I don't usually want to be a snob about reviews, but I have been getting a bit less than usual. I noticed that there were over a 150 unique visits to this story last month, and only 3 reviews, so unless 98% of you guys who read this hated its guts, well, I mean, even seeing a simple 'Lol' as a review is enough to light up my day. And in case you didn't like it, I'm always open for criticism. Also, if you think you didn't get a reference or joke, feel free to ask. Thanks for reading guys, and please review!**

 **In the next chapter, we will have Percy visiting the Oracle, though she isn't quite what he was expecting. Nothing in this fanfic is. Except maybe Annabeth.**


	10. The Oracle and the Hephaestus Cabin

Luke had stuff to do so he left, and so Percy was left to go to the Oracle alone. Grover joined him along the way, and suggested that they go together.

"But I thought only one person was allowed to visit the Oracle at a time?" Percy asked.

"Percy, in this fanfic, how many times have we ever followed the rules?" Grover asked.

Percy had to admit that Grover had a point, so they both made their way to the Attic where the Oracle was supposed to reside.

Percy was getting nervous, so he knocked on the door. A voice from inside shouted, "Come in!" Percy and Grover jumped; that voice sounded like someone was rubbing sandpaper together.

The inside of the place looked like a really worn out Chinese Food restaurant, and sitting in a moldy chair in front of them was the Oracle herself in all her Undead glory.

"AHHHH!" Both Percy and Grover shouted. The Oracle looked at them as if this was expected and waited until they stopped crying like little girls.

"Are you done yet?" the Oracle asked.

"Yup," Percy said. "I have a quest and I need a prophecy. Can you give me one?"

The Oracle wagged an undead finger at Percy. "If you're good at something, never do it for free. What have you got for me?"

"Percy isn't wearing a Batman costume anymore, so that kind of got old," Grover said.

"Who says I was joking?" the Oracle asked. "Oh, but all you demigods are the same, you only come when you need a prophecy for a quest, and you don't even have the decency to pitch in so I can earn my livelihood?"

"But-but, you're dead right?" Percy asked. "What livelihood?"

The Oracle looked seriously pissed off at that remark. "Oh, what a lack of tact! You have no idea how much it hurts to be an undead woman in modern times, do you? My skin doesn't get this beautiful green tinge naturally, you know! Plus, I enjoy watching episodes of Community as much as the next guy. Not to mention that I don't even have any help! I have to pay rent for this room, and I used to have several people who would follow and tend to me in ancient times, but I can't do that anymore. Not with costs like health and life insurance that they demand, and then my workers decided to form a union in spite of the great benefits I was paying them, and then I was forced to outsource a lot of my work to China. To cap it all, Apollo, my benefactor, has managed to go bankrupt, so no help from there either."

Percy had stopped listening after the word 'lack.' He had instead been playing the Pokemon theme song in his head.

"Do I get my prophecy now?" he asked.

The Oracle rolled her eyes, which looked weird on a mummified corpse. "Fine then," she said. "Take a fortune cookie."

She handed Percy a box and Percy took a cookie, opened it (it looked like it had expired back when black and white television was a thing, so he didn't eat it) and then read what was written on it.

"It says 'HELP! I'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN A FORTUNE-COOKIE MAKING FACTORY AND I'M BEING HELD HERE AGAINST MY WILL! PLEASE-'"

Percy didn't get any further as the Oracle hastily grabbed the paper and chucked it away. "Umm, I don't know how that got in there. And in case you're wondering, we take very, very good care of our workers, like they were our own family." She attempted to smile, but that just looked gross on a mummy.

Percy took another cookie. "This one says 'A child of the eldest gods, will turn sixteen-'"

The Oracle snarled and took that one too. "That's not even supposed to be there until later on! Those workers have no idea what they're doing, I need to tell the factory owner to start whipping harder- I mean, _talk_ to the workers and explain that they need to get their jobs right."

Percy likewise took another cookie, but it had a prophecy regarding someone called the Dark Lord and the person who would vanquish him. He similarly finished all of the cookies without getting a single prophecy that seemed to be relevant to him.

"That was disappointing," Grover said.

The Oracle shrugged. "If you want better service, than you'd better pay for it."

Percy took out a credit card. "Here."

"Isn't that Chir-" Grover began to say before Percy elbowed him.

The Oracle frowned. "There isn't much left on this card's balance. With it I can only give you this."

She took out a box and told Percy to open it. "A prophecy regarding your quest will be in there."

Percy opened the box and frowned. "There's nothing in here except a DVD of the first season of _Lost_."

"It's symbolic," the Oracle said. "But if you want me to be clearer, I'll just say that during your quest, if you want to save Camp Half-Blood, you are going to have to make a grievous sacrifice, a sacrifice so horrible that even the most tragic of Greek heroes would cry hearing about what you were forced to do. Farewell, seeker…."

Just then there was some noise from behind a curtain.

"Who's that?" Percy asked.

"Well," the Oracle said, "to make ends meet I've rented out a part of the room to Casper, the Friendly Ghost since no _living_ things are supposed to be here in the attic."

Grover frowned. "Isn't that against your rent terms?"

The Oracles shrugged. "Yeah, so what? Who you gonna call, Ghostbusters?"

And with that, Grover and Percy left the Attic.

"Any idea what you're going to do for the quest?" Grover asked.

"Sure," Percy said. "First of all, we steal the Declaration of Independence."

Grover face-palmed.

"Okay then," Percy said. "I have another plan, but it is going to involve a herd of wild armadillos, seven kilograms of gummy bears, and some snot."

Grover shrugged. "I guess we can try it."

 **One Extremely Stupid Plan Later**

"Gah!" Grover said. "That backfired _so_ badly. And now there's a herd of wild armadillos roaming around. I should have stepped in sooner. Look, Percy, let's visit the Hephaestus cabin."

"Aren't they part of a cult?" Percy asked.

"Yeah, but the other half of the Hephaestus cabin work for the NSA, so they might know something," Grover said.

And so, they set off towards the Hephaestus cabin. Inside, the cult part of the cabin stared at the two of them and creepily said, "Ooooh! Outsiders!"

One of them tried to put a tin foil hat on Percy's head, which he slapped away. One of them said, "Sir, would you like to take a moment to learn about our lord and savior, the giver of the tin-foil hat, Foaly of the Lower Elements Police?"

Percy actually stopped to listen, but thankfully Grover took him away towards some stairs near the corner of the room. They led to a place filled with dark bunkers lit only by computer screens.

One room was a bit larger than the rest, and Grover went into it. "Yo Chris!" he said.

Charles Beckendorf spun around in his chair like a classical movie Supervillain. "At the risk of sounding cliché, I've been expecting you."

"So you know what we're here for?" Grover asked.

"Yes," Charles said as he swiveled back into position. As you may know, I've set up cameras all around camp to spy on people." He turned around to see Percy and Grover looking at him weirdly. "No, there aren't any in the bathrooms! What is wrong with you two?"

Percy pointed to a computer screen showing the Camp Half-Blood popularity list. "So, you guys print that?"

"Actually, we make it," Charles said. "It analyzes data from all over camp and makes the list."

"I need you to bump me up," Percy said.

"Can't," Charles said. "The program has to run by itself. Otherwise I'd just put myself at the top, instead of my current rank of fifty-three. Also, I can't let people see me like this, because it would damage it further. I mean, Annabeth was number four, and she's now number seventeen after agreeing to go on this quest with you."

"So, any info for us?" Grover asked.

"No," Charles said. "The entire Olympian Server is down, and dad's trying to fix it, but it is going to take some time. I've been trying to hack into the database to see if there's any information from that day, but I haven't had any luck. Dad designed this himself, and Zeus set the password."

Percy thought to himself, 'What kind of password would somebody as complex as Zeus set?'

"Have you tried 1234?" Percy the asked.

Charles swiveled around to look at Percy as if he was an idiot. "Really? Are you out of your mind? This is the most advanced computer security mechanism in the entire universe, my dad must have spent years designing it, and you're trying to tell me that the password would be set to something as simple as-"

Grover punched in the numbers while Charles was monologuing, and the screen showed PASSWORD ACCEPTED later on. Charles stared at it dumbfounded. "But… but… how?"

Percy said, "How did the Master Bolt get stolen in the first place? The Olympians don't believe anyone would bother trying to steal from them, which is why Olympus has about the same level of security as a McDonalds whose manager has abandoned his post to go watch reruns of Dragon Tales."

Grover nodded. "It's not often I say this, but Percy's right."

"Well, it shows here that Hades was at the scene," Charles said. "And there's Luke taking his selfie, but that's irrelevant."

"So Hades has something to do with it!" Percy said.

Charles shrugged. "I can't tell for sure now that the sever's down. I'm not able to do much without it."

"Have you tried downloading more RAM?" Percy asked.

Charles once again looked at Percy as if he was an idiot. Charles gave him a long and loquacious explanation for why Percy's statement was so wrong it made him want to throw up.

Percy didn't get it, so Charles tried again. This continued for three hours before Grover finally got the two of them out of there.

"Well, I think we learned something," Percy said.

"No we didn't!" Grover said. He looked at the sun. "I want my morning back!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a remote corner of camp, where even the NSA part of the Hephaestus Cabin couldn't hear anything, Luke was talking to a small sickle he held in his hand, which oddly enough emanated a cold, dark voice filled with malice.

"This is the second time that you have failed me," the voice from the sickle said.

"Relax," Luke said. "I wasn't able to take Percy's place on the quest to find the Master Bolt, but let's be honest here, that wouldn't solve the real problem."

"Which is?"

Luke snorted. "Tell me, why are we hiding from the Olympians? Why do we keep conducting these meetings in secret? Why did I post pictures of me stealing the Master Bolt on Facebook? For one reason, because Percy Jackson is here, the main character, and we're scared of him."

"Actually, I don't know why you posted photos on Facebook of you stealing the Master Bolt. That was just plain stupid."

"Whatever," Luke said. "What I'm saying is we need to tackle the real problem."

"And how do you plan to do that?"

"It's simple," Luke said. "We kill the Batman- I mean Percy Jackson."

 **A/N: And so we end this chapter. Was that enough Batman references to satisfy you? Anyway, I'd just like to thank ksoccer16 and CrazyBlueOwl for reviewing. Now, to answer their questions, ksoccer16, yes that was all that was in this fanfic (actually Susan is a reference to a Keys to the Kingdom fanfic I liked, but if you don't get it don't fret, she'll probably never be mentioned again). CrazyBlueOwl, that's true, which is why Annabeth and Athena are pretty much the only characters in this fanfic who are at the very least slightly true to their original characters.**

 **Also, I noticed that this fanfic has gotten over 2000 views. Thanks guys! Anyway, I wanted to ask you guys if you think it'd be better if I updated in smaller chunks so the updates would be more frequent. Also, I'd like to ask if any of you guys think I might have gone a bit too far with the parody or something along the lines of doing something insulting? Some parodies do that, but I like to think that I didn't cross any lines.**


	11. The Bus Ride

**A/N: So, here's a little shorter update than usual, but that means more updates.**

Percy was standing near the statue of Snape at Half-Blood Hill. Dionysusman walked up to him.

"Wait," Percy said. "Where are Grover and Annabeth?"

"I asked them to come a bit later," Dionysus said. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

Percy immediately began looking for an escape route: it was never a good sign when adult wanted to say something like this, and especially not if that person was Dionysus.

"See, the thing is Percy," Dionysus said as a bunch of vines came up from the earth and bound Percy to the spot so he couldn't run, "I've realized that you are unpopular. And even more so than the other demigods. Have you seen that Youtube video about you?"

"Yeah," Percy said. "The one in which Luke tells me I need to become one with the Force?"

"Well yes, but have you seen the remake?" Dionysus said as he showed a parody video of the original video which included the song 'Yankee Doodle' in it. It had gotten ten billion views, which was a lot considering there were only seven billion people on the planet.

"That's just even more embarrassing," Percy said.

"It's alright," Dionysus said. "I began to learn of your predicament, and so I've embarked on a journey to help the social bottom-feeders of Camp Half-Blood, starting with you."

"How?" Percy asked.

"Like this," Dionysus said and pulled out a cereal box, except it had Percy's face on it. "I've released a new product, I call them, 'Percy-Os: They're Percy-licious!'"

Percy frowned. "They're Percy-licious? What's that even supposed to mean? Do they taste like me for some reason?"

"It doesn't mean anything silly," Dionysus said. "It just tells the kids its tasty." He then took out a camera. "So, I need you to say that line while holding them."

"Wow," Percy said. "This is my first cereal box commercial. I always knew this day would come, though probably after I'd saved the world several times."

Percy posed for the commercial, and said the line. Percy-Os would eventually become extremely popular as a Camp Half-Blood breakfast, but it turns out that Dionysus had used a blue dye that had been developed by Sally Jackson's company, and so it had caused various lawsuits and made Percy-Os the most infamous product ever.

But that would happen in several weeks. Chiron had also decided to join them for some reason. "So Percy, now that you're going on this quest, which you're obviously going to fail at, I just wanted to give you this."

Chiron handed Percy the toy lightsaber that he had used to attack that Furry, or Fury, you know, whatever back in chapter 2. Also, he handed Percy some gold coins. "Those are Greek drachmas, Percy," Chiron said.

"But weren't the original drachmas made out of silver, not gold?" Percy asked.

"Gold is always better than silver, Percy," Chiron said. "Just ask King Midas. Or Artemis Fowl."

"By the way, Percy," Dionysus said. "I know you're going on this quest and all, but I always want you to remember one thing: Kronos probably controls time, as well as many cellular networks. If you are ever in Hades, and your phone rings, do not pick it up like a total idiot."

"Uh-huh," Percy said, not really listening. By then, Annabeth and Grover had showed up.

"So, good luck, Percy," Dionysus said. "We all believe in you." Behind him, Chiron was talking to someone about finding a new job because where he was currently working was going to be incinerated.

As our three weirdoes- I mean heroes, were leaving, Luke came running up to them.

"Congratulations on your quest," Luke said. "I just wanted to give you these."

Luke handed Percy a pair of shoes.

"They're the running shoes, Percy," Luke said. "Just press the B button to start running."

"I don't think it works like that in real life, Luke," Percy said.

Luke scratched his head. "Maybe you're right. But I hope that they'll help you."

"Thanks Luke," Percy said. "I can always count on you to watch my back."

"Don't worry Percy," Luke said, while holding up a knife. "I've always got your back…"

A normal person would've noticed something sinister about this, but Percy wasn't really much like a normal person, so he just scampered off.

The three of them then took a bus. Now, the thing is, that Percy was almost guaranteed to fail, because of all the wrong pieces of advice that Chiron had given him, which included:

1\. If you ever find yourself not knowing enough about a monster, feel free to Google its name. Don't worry, that's perfectly safe.

2\. Remember, ambroisa and nectar are especially useful for healing. While taking them, make sure to drink as much as possible, because taking too much doesn't have any side effects.

3\. Feel free to call monsters by their names.

All of this, combined with the fact that Chiron had taught Percy messed up things about the Greek myths all but guaranteed that Percy would say something wrong to the gods and get vaporized. As a matter of fact, 82% of all demigod deaths at Camp Half-Blood were due to misinformation that Chiron had given people.

They all decided to get on a bus, and the ride was pretty much uneventful.

"So, we've come ten miles and no monsters yet," Percy said.

"Quiet Percy," Annabeth answered. "Talking like that is bad luck."

"No it isn't," Percy said, forgetting what had happened to the Minotaur. He looked back to see three old ladies who he had been sure hadn't been there earlier.

"Why hello there, dear," one of them said, who looked vaguely familiar. "Are you going on a long trip?"

"Yes," Percy answered.

"Well, then, I hope you have packed enough food for it."

"Sure I do," Percy said. "I happen to have 1/67th of a sandwich pieces with me."

The old lady frowned. "You broke a sandwich into sixty-seven pieces somehow?"

"Sure," Percy said. "I broke it into half, then again into half, and then again into half, half again, half again, and finally a half of that."

"That makes 1/64th, dear," the old lady said. "You're not very good at Maths, are you?"

"No, not really," Percy said. "I mean, but it isn't totally my fault. My last Maths teacher was a crazy old hag."

By now, of course, you must have realized that the old lady was Mrs Dodds, and she took about four seconds to realize that Percy was talking about her before she attacked.

 **A/N: Sorry to end on a cliffhanger, but thanks for reading! Thanks for your review, lunarchroniclesandcockatiels! Please do review if you liked, and if you liked this sort of comedy, you might want to see my other fanfic, 'Impractical Jokers: Demigod Edition.'**


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